The 17 best & funniest Ted Lasso quotes

Roy: Who the f*** are the Diamond Dogs?

Ted: It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.

Season 1, episode 8

Ted: "I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we."

Ted: "When it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits. I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear?"

Season 1, episode 4

Reporter: "Can you even name any footballers?"

Ted: "Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself."

Season 1, episode 1

Ted explains the offside rule in football: "I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it."

Season 1, episode 2

Ted to Roy after a poor performance: "You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't wanna hear it. All right?"

Season 1, episode 9

Ted on taking up the job as head coach at AFC Richmond: "Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong."

Season 1, episode 1

Ted: "Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson — on a high!"

Season 1, episode 6

Ted describing his feeling after his new signing turned out to be impressive: "I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree and hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids."

Season 1, episode 6

Ted: "I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser."

Season 2, episode 1

When Ted and his group were figuring out how to motivate their star player Dani Rojas.

Nathan: "If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck."

Ted: "I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know. But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate."

Sharon: "That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar."

Ted: "Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica."

Season 2, episode 2

Ted's response to Sam Obisanya, who took a principled stance against a shirt sponsor: "Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing."

Season 2, episode 3

Ted Lasso, after meeting Rebecca's mom: "Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts."

Season 1, episode: 6

Ted's hilarious reference to Kyrie Irving's flat-earth argument that had gone viral: "I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat."

Season 2, episode 8

When Dr Sharon says she can't talk about her day at work, Ted replies: "You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51."

Ted: "Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister... which is an American phrase that I'm now realising does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself, I don't know why I said it."

Season 1, episode 10