Second Screening is a series where we get Andrew, or maybe someone else, to be honest, to rewatch a classic match featuring teams and players that people always talk about but have never actually watched the whole 90 minutes. He’s already cast his eye over the 1966 World Cup final, and now he’s got Cruyff and Beckenbauer in his sights…
Yes, here we go again, give you more, nothin’ lesser. Back on the mic, it’s the anti-depressor. You’re about to follow me on a Magic School Bus-esque journey to 7th July 1974, when Johan Cruyff’s Total Footballitarian Netherlands took on Franz Beckenbauer’s big German machine in the World Cup Final.
We’ve all got mates who reckon they know about Cruyff. They’ve spelled his name properly in a group chat once or twice to subtly let it be known that they know what the fuck they’re talking about. “Cruijff was actually just adapting a system developed by Rinus Michels before him.” We’ve all read Inverting the Pyramid—go and shag your single-origin coffee, nerd. They’ve never seen Cruyff play, though, have they? The coffee bastards. They’ve never watched him for ninety minutes. They've seen the YouTube footage of him skinning that Swedish lad with his little Turn, but they don’t really know what they’re on about. And, guess what, they don’t really know about coffee and fucking IPA hops either—they’re just empty people in too-small beanie hats, desperate to be liked.
I’ve gone off-piste there, and I’m on a strict word count. Off we go to 1974: Whooooooosh!
The team sheets are in—let’s have a look, shall we?
Netherlands:
GK 8: Jan Jongbloed—Right, the keeper is wearing number 8, and he’s basically called John Yungblud, like that emo-looking lad from Doncaster. Good start.
SW 17: Wim Rijsbergen—SWEEPER ALERT! Ladies, gentlemen, friends of all genders, we’ve got ourselves a sweeper. Big up, Wim Rice Mountain.
RB 20: Wim Suurbier—Always good to have a second Wim.
CB 6: Wim Jansen—That’s enough.
CB 2: Arie Haan—Nicknamed ‘Arie Bombarie’ for his powerful shots. Class.
LB 12: Ruud Krol—I remember this lad from PES 2008. Master League legend.
CM 13: Johan Neeskens—Recently departed from this mortal coil, but also forever in my Master Beleaguered heart.
CM 3: Willem van Hanegem—Central midfielder wearing 3. They couldn’t give a fuck, the Dutch. His Wikipedia pic looks exactly like the love child of Stanley Tucci and Jim’s dad from American Pie.
RW 16: Johnny Rep—Master League, insane haircut.
LW 15: Rob Rensenbrink—Clearly Johan Cruyff in disguise. They’ve cloned him, and it’s not even subtle. Will be keeping an eye on that.
GK 1: Sepp Maier—This lad was in the squad for the ‘66 final but, lucky for him, didn’t make the starting XI as England brutalised his colleague Tilkowski.
RB 2: Berti Vogts—In my head, he was a proper shithouse of a player, but apparently, he was 5’6” and from a place called Büttgen? To be continued…
CB 4: Hans-Georg Schwarzenbeck—Clearly a fake German name. Possible spy detected.
LB 3: Paul Breitner—A name that could belong to a 1970s German left-back or a WWE Hardcore Champion from 1998.
CM 16: Rainer Bonhof—No idea.
CM 12: Wolfgang Overath—At least the fifth player on this team sheet to be noted for his powerful shot online. There’d better be some blasties in this game.
CAM 14: Uli Hoeneß—Big cheese at Bayern Munich for a while, sole survivor of a plane crash, helped players through depression and alcoholism, did time for tax evasion. Complicated character. Will let you know if he was good at football.
RW 9: Jürgen Grabowski—Looks like Count Dooku.
LW 17: Bernd Hölzenbein—Doesn’t look like Count Dooku.
CF 13: Gerd Müller—Infamous goal poacher born eight days before the end of WWII in American-occupied Nördlingen. This will be his final game for his country.
