Mock the Window: Lampard cleans out his closet & Fellaini's guide to Chelsea haircuts

In today's edition imagines the contents of Frank Lampard's soon-to-be-cleared locker while we get our hands on a letter from Harry Redknapp to Jonas Olsson
As imagined by Alex Hess

 A handy guide to the Blues' Belgian target...

Super Frank Lampard, super sensible haircut. This low-key do, modelled on ‘the Zanetti’, is designed to reflect the on-field consistency of its bearer. Of course, it must be committed for a number of years.

A relatively recent introduction, the Cashley Mohawk offers style, gloss and aerodynamism. It does not guarantee any upturn in IQ, but has been said to attract plenty of furtively raised eyebrows from middle-aged Paris-based Italian men.

A hairstyle that has brought unprecedented success to many a west London novelty wig stall. This haircut is tailor made for a zany, adventurous and, of course, very much non-British character. Comes with one free PlayStation controller.

If you pride safety and comfort over dignity and respectability, the Cech helmet may just be for you. The hairdressing equivalent of a bright yellow mackintosh raincoat, or a five-yard sideways pass from Michael Carrick, the Helmet will not bring you excitement, but can certainly promise security.

As Frank Lampard prepares to move on from Chelsea next summer, the England international has begun preparing for the Stamford Bridge exit.

Here we look at what the Blues legend might find when he comes to clear out his locker at Cobham over the coming months...

1 signed photograph of Jose Mourinho, enclosed in heart-shaped gift frame

1 hand-written document, reading as follows:
UPER FRANK'S HIT LIST – Scholes, Gerrard, Veron, Parker, Jarosik, Ballack, Deco, AVB, Meireles, Ramires, GERRARD

10 A-level certificates, inside an envelope bearing the message ‘quod me nutrit me destruit

3 multi-packs of king-sized Mars bars

1 copy of ‘The Complete Works of Rene Descartes’

1 booklet entitled ‘The Alan Shearer guide to leathering a football goalwards’

2 spare sets of shin pads emblazoned with ‘JT – Munich 2012’

1 Birthday card made out to ‘My favourite cousin’, accompanied by a gift-wrapped copy of ‘A Beginner’s Guide to the English Language’

1 Map of the world, with the locations Shanghai, Los Angeles and Manchester circled in red pen, each supplemented with a large ‘$’



Mind if I call you Geoff? Good.

As I’m sure you know, January’s always a busy time for me. I mean, I’m not a wheeler dealer by any means, and I in no way partake in wheeling or indeed dealing – I can’t stand either, to be honest with you. Even so, though, my cheque book does always feel as though it’s burning a hole in my pocket as soon as the new year comes around. Funny that.

So, I thought I’d offer you a quick guide to the many merits of west London, given that we might be able to sneak in a new signing down here at QPR. Not that we’re looking to. But the squad does need an extra player or two. To be honest, we could use a few bodies – four or five ideally. Well, eight or nine if the chairman can stretch to that. Plus a couple of loans. But we’re not really looking, Geoff.

Anyway, you know I don’t like talking about other clubs’ players – which is why I never do it – but I would still very much like to put it on record that I, Harry Redknapp, want you, Jonas Olsson of West Bromwich Albion, to join us down here at QPR.

It’s a top, top place, London. For a start, there’s plenty of great old fashioned pubs – although I know you strange foreign lot probably don’t drink – and there's always a top, top bargain to be had at Walthamstow Market – never a shortage of fancy imports going at great prices. Plenty of British goods, too. Just last week this lovely Northern Irish chap was down there selling his old mutt – Joe, he called him. Said he inherited him. The dog looked pretty knackered, granted, and didn’t seem the brightest, but I liked the look of him. Some big Northern fella beat me to it, unfortunately, but I’ll be back next time for sure, Geoff.

There’s also a great little road in the centre of town called Fleet Street, which most football folk tend to stay away from, but I can’t get enough of it, me. I’ll let you in on a little secret: make a few appearances over there – drop in plenty of jovial remarks and a good few friendly winks, and make sure you get the drinks in – and you can get away with a lot more second-rate performances on the weekends than you can at the moment up in the Midlands, Geoff. I know, odd isn’t it? But it works, trust me.

I’m heading there now, in fact. Better wind the window down in case there’s a TV crew around.

Hope to see you down here soon,


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