Window Watch: Leaked! Walcott's Arsenal contract demands

In today's edition imagines what the England star's various clauses would be, PSG's transfer targets, and a brochure from the ivory towers of Brand Beckham
As imagined by Alex Hess


Name: Theo James Walcott
Age: 23
Position: Centre forward. Centre forward. (CENTRE)

Basic Wage: [Whatever the club feel is appropriate – money is not the issue here*]

  1. The employee in question must start and finish every competitive match as the team’s central striker. In addition to this, yellow lines will be painted upon the Emirates’ pitch to separate the two wide areas from the central third. The employee in question shall never be required to pass beyond the central area.
  2. The employee in question will no longer be forced to spend the hours of 2pm-4pm every weekday incarcerated in a darkened room with endless recordings of Dennis Bergkamp projected onto the walls, ceiling and floor, with Mr Wenger repeatedly screaming “that’s what a football brain is, godammit” into his ears. As well as giving the employee in question recurring nightmares, the procedure is clearly not bearing fruit and needs to be brought to a conclusion.
  3. The employee in question will never be made to participate in training drills that involve ball control with any of the following employees: Mr Arteta; Mr Wilshere; Mr Cazorla. It is a painful ordeal for the employee in question to endure and quite possibly a contributor to aforementioned recurring nightmares.
  4. Mr Wenger will hereby discontinue his frankly bizarre habit of bursting into uncontrollable tears every time he sees the employee in question pulling on the no.14 shirt before a match.

Employee signature: __________________________________

Employer signature:  __________________________________

*As long as it’s a shedload more than the small change Mr Walcott is on currently. And at least twice what Gervinho’s ‘earning’. And you can stick you socialist pay structure where the sun don't Thanks very much.

Please, get me out of here. Paolo Ferreira seems to have lied to me – west London is not simply a place for mediocre right backs to scratch their backsides on the bench and collect obscene wages! The other week Mr Arry said he wanted me to be a substitute with a view to coming on! I said I could not agree to this! Bosingwa is not a slave! My last manager, Mr Terry, never asked me to play – in fact, he often encouraged me not to. Nice Mr Terry. Horrible Mr Arry. Now my wages have gone for two weeks. I need to leave these Rangers.

- Jose, 30, west London

  1. Leo Messi - Argentine God of Football. Would represent significant upgrade on Gameiro. Removal from current beloved employers may prove difficult.
  2. Cristiano Ronaldo - Very good - not Messi-good, obviously, but good nonetheless. Would enhance PSG's global franchise. And its first team. Possible drawback: is rumoured to lock himself in a hotel room with a bottle of scotch, a printout of Leo Messi's face, and a pack of darts for days on end after the annual Ballon d'Or ceremony. May require counselling for this.
  3. Lord Zlatan – Height, technique, strength (esp. rock-like thighs). Head of hair to rival Leonardo. DONE
  4. Jose Mourinho – Will deliver glamour, trophies, and Ricardo Carvalho, no questions asked. Possible drawbacks: Likely to depart after two years, leaving club in state of irreversible apocalyptic implosion. May ask Lord Zlatan to break into a jog.
  5. Neymar – Every big football club franchise needs a South American import, preferably with many YouTube highlights reels. If Neymar proves unobtainble, Lucas Moura will do. DONE
(IMPORTANT – List must not be disclosed to Mr Leonardo or Mr Ancelotti.)



Llorente an Arsenal target

Reading want Welbeck loan

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As you will doubtlessly know, Brand Beckham is currently looking for a new location in which to continue his numerous promotional obligations, his ongoing regime of abdominal enhancement, and also to partake in the sport of football.

Now approaching his 38thbirthday, many industry consultants have offered the view that Brand Beckham is under threat – some sporting pundits have even said that his footballing talents may be waning. While we will not be commenting on the latter criticism, the former could not be further from the truth – Brand Beckham has lost none of its appeal.

Brand Beckham retains his ability to bring a bustling street of people to a complete standstill with an icy stare and a bulging groin delivered, in poster form, from the side of a bus. His commercial appeal stretches beyond this mass-hypnosis, too - tattoo parlours in any region are guaranteed a prosperous few years as Brand Beckham continues to pursue his goal of covering every inch of his atatomy in completely-ambigous-yet-deeply-personally-meaningful inked graphics.

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