The Secret Diary of Robin van Persie, aged 29 and a bit

One of the summer's longest, twistiest and turniest transfer sagas looks to be at an end. imagines how the lovestruck striker might have settled on Manchester United
May 14, 2012

I love Manchester City. I think I really do. I'd never really noticed her in school or in the neighbourhood before but she's got a lot prettier in the last couple of years. I suspect that her dad might be paying for surgery but I don't care about that. I think she looked at me the other day!

My best friend, Kees, says that he went over to her house for dinner about three months ago – I can't believe that he didn't tell me! Did she talk about me? Does she even know who I am? Oh, Kees, I simply must meet her!

June 9, 2012

I love Arsenal. I think I always have. Everyone I know tells me how beautiful she is and how I'd never want to be with anyone else. Bob van Persie, who's been like a father to me for as long as I can remember, says that it's impossible for me to go out with anyone else in England but her.

I can see why: Her shapely stadium, her attractive, well-rounded... footballing philosophy... and the way she likes to call me her "captain". She's enthralling. How could I ever leave her?

July 4, 2012

I'm worried that Arsenal is a bit too clingy. I'm only 29 - I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment!
I have to leave her. Arsene Wenger said yesterday that "we want to keep Robin van Persie at all costs" and I'm worried that Arsenal is a bit too clingy. I know we've been together for a long time but I'm only 29 – I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment yet! Is this what drove her old boyfriends, Cesc and Samir, away? No wonder she's so on-edge about it, but I don't think that's the right kind of relationship for me.

Besides, I just caught a glimpse of Juventus waving Antonio Conte's beautiful, flowing hair in the breeze and I'm convinced that it's true love at first sight.

July 19, 2012

Arsenal wants me to go to Asia with her! She says she wants us to spend some quality time together this summer to set us up for a lovely year – and maybe even renew our commitment to each other – but I'm starting to feel like she might just want to take me somewhere far away, hit me over the head with a shovel and bury me alive just so nobody else can have me.

She must have heard what Kees told me, that Manchester City really does know who I am! She wants to meet me – me! I think that's what I need in my life now, a confident career woman, not a girl who's willing to settle for third place. I just can't believe that the most popular girl at school would want to go out with someone like me. I've had so many operations in the last few years, I must look so sickly and pathetic. But she likes me! And I love her.

July 20, 2012

I love Manchester United. I think I always have. For so long she's had this mysterious, unobtainable quality, and I've always thought that she was a bit stuck-up, but now I think that's just because Arsenal doesn't get on with her. She's always saying nasty things about United, but I don't see what's wrong with her. I don't see anything wrong with her.

She asked me out today. She just came along and did it. But we both know that we can't be together until I've broken up with Arsenal. I'm going to have to have 'The Talk' with her. This can't go on.

July 25, 2012

No, I love Arsenal. I was wrong about her. She's so loyal. There's this new boy in her life, Lukas, who's got that distinguished German charm and is clearly so excited at the chance to get to know her, but she still saved my favourite No.10 shirt for me instead of him. She knows me! And Arsene Wenger called me "one of the best strikers in the world". All these ideas of straying are just fanciful. Arsenal is the woman for me. She's never treated me wrong before and she won't now. It's too late for that trip to Asia but maybe I'll book some tickets to Germany to surprise her?

August 14, 2012

No, I love Manchester City. I went to Germany with Arsenal and she paid more attention to showing Lukas off in front of his ex-girlfriend, Koln, than she did to me. Man City, though, only has eyes for me.

"It's very easy to say you want to play next to Robin van Persie," said Vincent Kompany, "any team he would play for, he'd make it stronger." I can hardly hold my pen for blushing. I'm still amazed that a girl like her would even look at me twice, but now I see that we just have such a true connection. We were meant to be. I can't pass this up.

August 15, 2012

I love Manchester United. I really, ecstatically, joyously do. We talked on the phone all night last night and we finally decided – let's just do it, let’s run away together. I can't live a lie anymore.

I told Arsenal my decision and I was surprised at how easily she agreed. So, that's that. I can go and be with my true love at last. But why is Arsenal so OK with it? What's wrong with me? WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?

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