Fabio Capello Resigns As Kevin Keegan Is Appointed England Coach

An alcohol-fuelled night out saw several England stars arrested and injured, leading to Fabio Capello resigning as manager this morning, with a crucial World Cup qualification clash against Ukraine to be played this evening at Wembley.

The Italian took over as coach in January 2008 with his objective being to qualify England for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa and establish the Three Lions as an international superpower.

His tenure began well and he remained undefeated in competitive fixtures. However, he has long been an opponent of the drinking culture in England, and an incredible night on the town that resulted in the arrest of seven players and serious injuries sustained by both Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard led him to a dramatic and sudden resignation.

"This entire incident is farcical," Capello told the press. "It has disgraced my career as a coach and your pathetic people as a nation.

"There is no integrity, no pride, no discipline - and you wonder why you have no success.

"I cannot work in such despicable circumstances. I have tendered my resignation and that is the end of the matter."

Despite being subject to a curfew, the England team snuck out of their team hotel and began running wild on the streets of London. They visited several bars and clubs, consuming vast amounts of alcohol over the course of the evening with disastrous consequences.

Disgraced | England stars training

Before chaos broke out, at approximately 22:30, Gareth Barry was approached by detectives on suspicion of having taken a bribe shortly before Aston Villa's last Premier League game. Unclear reports state that an unnamed 48-year-old Spanish male in Liverpool had also been taken into custody in relation to the crime.

They also caught up with David Beckham, who they were investigating over an irregularity on his tax return. Inside sources report that, in the column where it said, "Do not write in this space", Mr. Beckham had written, "OK".

It was shortly before midnight when the squad's behaviour got out of control and the Metropolitan Police surrounded the team in the West End of London, making several further arrests.

Indecent | Rooney arrested in fury

Goalkeeper David James was first to be taken in for assault, after he picked up a girl in a bar, then dropped her.

Stewart Downing attempted to flee the scene but unfortunately couldn't beat the first man.

Meanwhile, Wayne Rooney was initially cautioned for indecent exposure upon peeking his head out of a shop window, to the horror of many of the bystanding public. His reaction upon receiving his caution led to his arrest, as he began abusing several officers and inciting violence.

Shaun Wright-Phillips and Carlton Cole were left stunned when police surrounded them from all sides and took them in for alleged suspicious activity outside a jewellery store.

It was then when two of England's biggest stars suffered serious injuries. Towards the end of the raid, Steven Gerrard made a dash for a taxi in order to escape, but upon having his wrist brushed by the pursuing officer, he threw himself to the floor, landing awkwardly on a broken bottle, apparently lost by John Terry approximately 10 months ago in Moscow. Gerrard sustained serious injuries and was air-lifted to a nearby hospital.

Injured | England's midfield stars

Frank Lampard was chased by police down an alleyway after having robbed a bakery. Despite several shots being fired, they were all miraculously deflected and none of them hit the Chelsea star. He was nevertheless found unconscious minutes later after having attempted to jump a fence and hit the wall. His personal physician revealed that this is not the first time he has suffered from such an accident.

"I am ashamed of all of them," sighed Capello, who has already been approached by AC Milan vice president Adriano Galliani, with a view to taking over at San Siro next season.

"When I heard the news, I had to ring Don Fabio to see if he was OK," he said. "He is strong and is coping very well with this tragic incident.

"At Milan we are a family. I have invited him back to his home and we may see him this summer back where he belongs.

Ballotta | Milan's main target

"With Capello, Milan will be great again. We will buy Paul Scholes, Sami Hyypia, Marco Ballotta, Sylvinho, Fabio Cannavaro and many more. Perhaps Didier Drogba and Emmanuel Adebayor. Or both. I can confirm we have already agreed to re-sign Ronaldo."

Back in England, the FA have acted swiftly to repair the damage caused yesterday before tonight's game. Kevin Keegan, who narrowly missed out in being re-re-appointed as Newcastle United manager just last night, has been announced as England boss, after having quit in 2000. 'The Messiah' has signed a 17-year contract worth £136 million, but has already been photographed in the foetal position in the tunnel at Wembley muttering to himself and threatening to leave his post. Middlesbrough mastermind Gareth Southgate is being mooted as his successor.

The injuries and arrests have left Keegan short-staffed ahead of tonight's qualifier against Ukraine. Reports are already emerging that he has called up the likes of Justin Hoyte, Tony Hibbert, Lee Cattermole, David Nugent, Dean Windass and Shola Ameobi, among others, as replacements. He is planning to play a 2-3-5 formation of trademark attacking flair.

Bookmakers worldwide have made England 1/7,850,274,639 outsiders to win the World Cup, with them having previously been odds on to lift the trophy in South Africa next year.

April Fool | Steve McClaren

Former Three Lions boss Steve McClaren is nevertheless delighted with the change. He said, "I think it's about time we got an Englishman back in charge of the national team. That Fabio fellow didn't know what we're really about.

"We won the Champions League, you know. I don't think he understood how to lead such a great nation. Maybe he was a little intimidated.

"I have the utmost confidence in Kevin. This is a man who doesn't shrink from a challenge. He will make us great again. We have the best players in the world, now is the time to prove it on the pitch. Next year will be our year. Just wait.

"And lastly, I'd like to wish all of Goal.com's readers a happy April Fools' Day!"

Sulmaan Ahmad, Goal.com