Calcio Comedy: Secco Uncovered As Inter Spy

Secco is hugely unpopular among Juventus fans, following a long-line of catastrophic blunders in the transfer market. Tifosi have drawn up petitions, directed hate-mail, and even caused Secco to have a motorcycle accident, in an attempt to force the director to resign, but so far they have been unsuccessful.

In a quite sensational development, it has now been revealed that Secco is not quite as brainless and incompetent as his transfer work would suggest. He is in fact a spy for Italian champions Inter, sent by President Massimo Moratti to infiltrate and sabotage bitter rivals Juventus.

The truth was uncovered last night when Secco was tricked by an undercover journalist disguised as Moratti. Secco, who was in Milan shopping with his Bianconeri bonus money, received a phone call from ‘Moratti’ at 22:15 asking for them to meet at the headquarters of Telecom Italia.

Once there, ‘Moratti’ poked fun at Juventus’ latest poor result, a 2-1 home defeat to Palermo, sneering: “What a bunch of losers! They can’t even beat a team playing in pink.”

To this, Secco replied: “Yes boss, we are really destroying them, and the funniest thing is no one has the foggiest idea. They all think I am just stupid, they have no inkling that I am deliberately buying rubbish players.

“I have already got Boumsong, Tiago, Almiron, Poulsen and Knezevic. Tomorrow I will complete the signing of Titus Bramble, while next week I will begin negotiations for his brother Tesfaye, who has scored twice as many own goals as his younger sibling.

“In January I will sell Sebastian Giovinco to Arsenal, and will offer a five-year contract extension to Cristian Molinaro.

“To get the fans excited I will also spread rumours that I am negotiating to buy Rafael van der Vaart, Diego, and Xabi Alonso, only to then sign another rubbish defensive midfielder in the summer. I think I will go for Gilberto Silva next.”

The journalist later discovered during the meeting that Secco had been working for Inter for five years, and had been a spy at Juventus for the last three of these. Secco befriended former Bianconeri transfer guru Luciano Moggi, before stabbing him in the back and playing a part in his and Juve’s downfall during the Calciopoli crisis. It was also on Secco’s advice that the much-maligned Claudio Ranieri was appointed as the club’s coach in 2007.

The journalist has now revealed all to the press, but it seems that Secco will not face criminal proceedings, and indeed he has already been forgiven by the rest of the Juventus board.

Juve chairman Giovanni Cobolli Gigli told reporters this morning: “He made a mistake, and he knows it, but we here at Juventus firmly believe in giving people a second chance.

“We believe that Secco has the potential to be the best transfer guru in the world, so we stand by him at this tricky time, and are certain that he will prove to be a big asset to the club over the coming 10-20 years, helping us get lots of third and fourth place finishes, and maybe win a few Coppa Italias.”

When Ranieri was asked about this sensational story, he burst out laughing, and joked, “He should be the next James Bond.”

Secco was unavailable for comment, although it is rumoured that Inter are considering retiring the number 29 shirt in his honour due to the brave and heroic service he has offered the club over the past five years.

Please note that this story is satirical...

Carlo Garganese