Prem Parody: England The Best In The World - McClaren

Former England coach Steve McClaren has launched a scathing attack on the English Football Association for what he believed was a premature dismissal and believes the fine form being enjoyed by the side is due in no small part due to his spell in charge...

Oct 16, 2008 6:39:16 PM

UEFA 2008 Qualifying: Steve McClaren , England - Israel (PA)

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UEFA 2008 Qualifying: Steve McClaren , England - Israel (PA)

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Please note the following story is satirical...

McClaren, now in charge of Dutch side FC Twente, was sacked following his failure to qualify England for Euro 2008. The Three Lions were turned over by Russia, and despite being handed a lifeline that meant they simply needed to avoid defeat at home on the final day of qualification, they lost 3-2 to Slaven Bilic's already-qualified Croatia side.

His dismissal was thought by many to be long overdue - his appointment as a token English boss itself received heavy opposition - and despite watching on helplessly as his side humiliatingly failed to qualify for the Austria-Switzerland showpiece, he refused to resign.

The decision came, then, that the FA would dismiss the former Middlesbrough boss and appoint in his place the most prolific coach in recent times, Fabio Capello. In ratio to the number of clubs of which he has taken charge, seasons he has coached and trophies won, few in the history of the game can compete with Don Fabio on paper. McClaren, though, has other ideas. "I respect the achievements of Mr. Capello, but it must first and foremost be established that his achievements were in club football in Italy and Spain," explained McClaren.

"The Premier League is the best league in the world - everybody knows that. Maybe I didn't win league titles like Fabio, but I took Middlesbrough to the UEFA Cup final before my appointment as England boss. People forget that. My lot beat teams from all over the continent.

"I was never afraid to innovate. I would bring on four strikers if I had to, but they would never do that in Italy. They are too defensive. Will Capello have the tactical nous and nerve to put all his eggs in the attacking basket if the chips are ever down? I'm not so sure.

"He will find out the hard way that things are not the same when you're in charge of the greatest footballing nation in the world."

When asked to consider Capello's two reigns in charge of Real Madrid, the biggest club in the world, McClaren replied, "It's not the same. That's club football, and it's not even England. England is different; it's special. You know, Real Madrid only wear white because they want to be like England - not many people know that."

McClaren, speaking after England's win in Minsk that gave them a perfect start of four straight wins in their World Cup qualifying campaign, continued, "I'm very proud of the boys and I think they can go all the way." To the tournament? "No, no. I believe England can win the World Cup. We're talking about the best players in the world here. On our day we're a match for anyone.

"The team is in great form and I'm proud of the contribution I was able to make in that regard. I laid all the groundwork, and though I am immensely disappointed to have been ejected as I was, I now feel, like a mother hen, it was the right time to let my chicklets fly away to more prosperous lands," continued a poetic and emotional McClaren.

"I mean, for example, I gave David Nugent his chance. One cap and one goal - his goal-scoring record is better than Romario's, Gabriel Batistuta's and Marco van Basten's. Think about that. He has the potential to be better than all of them, but no one's giving him the chance.

"I made the headway for Stewart Downing, who is now enjoying a thrilling international career under the new regime. He's a world class player. I also made the brave choice of John Terry as skipper, which Mr. Capello copied. People forget these things - I was made the scapegoat - but that's life I suppose.

"Also, I initially omitted David Beckham, just like Fabio. We're a lot alike, except I've managed in the tougher environment of the Premier League. You never know: if I had been in charge of AC Milan, Juventus and Real Madrid everyone might be calling me Don Stevio," he smiled.

As the evening wound down, conversation meandered onto different matters. The infamous scenes that saw McClaren watch on under his umbrella in the Wembley downpour as his side capitulated against Croatia earned him the unfortunate nickname, the Wally with the Brolly. "It's my hair," he explained. "If it even gets so much as damp it becomes wild and unmanageable."

Lastly, the coach revealed how well he is settling into life in the Netherlands. "Yes, it's been very good," he affirmed. "I've been practising my Dutch and the locals tell me I'm getting very good.

"I err... how do you shay, apply myshelf? Yesh. I work, hard. Of courshe, the main importance of thingsh ish that we don't get complashenshy and approach gamesh with caushion. How do you shay... shtep by shtep? Yesh. That ish the key conshept in opinion of mine.

"Not bad, right?"

Sulmaan Ahmad, Goal.com

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