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Black Attack: John Terry Versus The English Press
Playing Away From Home... England's John Terry Blows It
Feb 2, 2010 1:37:00 AM
By Alan Black
Hacking was outlawed on the field in English soccer over a hundred years ago, but it continues to thrive in the country’s sporting press.
For those just tuning in, captain of England, John Terry, a married father of two, has just felt the crunching chop of Britain’s vicious tabloids for his sex romp with a former teammate’s girlfriend. Terry, recently anointed Dad of the Year in the UK by a ketchup company, scored the winning goal for Chelsea last Saturday at Burnley. The irony of Terry scoring away from home, hours after Britain’s #1 selling tabloid, The Sun, spilled the sexy sauce on his affair, was laughably cruel. His goal celebration will go down as the biggest drip of the English soccer season. The man seemed broken.
The British tabloids love to destroy their soccer heroes. Beckham was crucified for costing England a World Cup in 2002; last year Terry’s teammate Ashley Cole was branded a Love Rat in the tabloids for his extra-marital affair. The paparazzi chase players through the streets of London hoping to catch them with their jock straps off or face down in a pool of warm British ale. It’s tough earning $300,000 a week especially when you are bored with the missus.
The promotion of the world’s top soccer players to a God-like league can only lead to tragedy, especially when there are commercial commandments to uphold. Thou Shalt Not Be A Naughty Boy is usually number one on the corporate endorsement tablet and we all know what happens when you tell a boy not to be naughty. He goes straight out and does his worst. Terry’s endorsement with a popular razor brand is likely to see that contract sliced to ribbons. And he can forget about getting down on bended knee before the Queen at Buckingham Palace should England win the World Cup in South Africa. There will be no, "Arise, Sir John." That scenario will have to remain inside his shorts.
The British tabloids are famous for their fabulously brutal headlines. And the hacks that write these blazing leads are salivating over Terry’s sloppiness and what it means for England at this year’s World Cup in South Africa. It’s possible that England’s defense could line up Terry and the teammate he cuckolded, Wayne Bridge, with the two of them playing next to the Love Rat. Oh, what an English pickle! It looks like a complicated Jane Austen novel. Terry and Bridge will not be on speaking terms, and likely to turn their backs on each other.
This is great news for the well-behaved Americans, England’s first opponent in the Finals. A few choice words in Terry’s ear during the June 12 match-up – "You should see what Bridge is doing behind your back, John" – could open up holes in England’s defense, and lead to a romp of American goals against the colonial ancestor.
Let’s hope so.
Alan Black is Scottish. And American. His book, The Glorious World Cup – A Balls Out Guide is published in early May by Penguin.
For those just tuning in, captain of England, John Terry, a married father of two, has just felt the crunching chop of Britain’s vicious tabloids for his sex romp with a former teammate’s girlfriend. Terry, recently anointed Dad of the Year in the UK by a ketchup company, scored the winning goal for Chelsea last Saturday at Burnley. The irony of Terry scoring away from home, hours after Britain’s #1 selling tabloid, The Sun, spilled the sexy sauce on his affair, was laughably cruel. His goal celebration will go down as the biggest drip of the English soccer season. The man seemed broken.
The British tabloids love to destroy their soccer heroes. Beckham was crucified for costing England a World Cup in 2002; last year Terry’s teammate Ashley Cole was branded a Love Rat in the tabloids for his extra-marital affair. The paparazzi chase players through the streets of London hoping to catch them with their jock straps off or face down in a pool of warm British ale. It’s tough earning $300,000 a week especially when you are bored with the missus.
The promotion of the world’s top soccer players to a God-like league can only lead to tragedy, especially when there are commercial commandments to uphold. Thou Shalt Not Be A Naughty Boy is usually number one on the corporate endorsement tablet and we all know what happens when you tell a boy not to be naughty. He goes straight out and does his worst. Terry’s endorsement with a popular razor brand is likely to see that contract sliced to ribbons. And he can forget about getting down on bended knee before the Queen at Buckingham Palace should England win the World Cup in South Africa. There will be no, "Arise, Sir John." That scenario will have to remain inside his shorts.
The British tabloids are famous for their fabulously brutal headlines. And the hacks that write these blazing leads are salivating over Terry’s sloppiness and what it means for England at this year’s World Cup in South Africa. It’s possible that England’s defense could line up Terry and the teammate he cuckolded, Wayne Bridge, with the two of them playing next to the Love Rat. Oh, what an English pickle! It looks like a complicated Jane Austen novel. Terry and Bridge will not be on speaking terms, and likely to turn their backs on each other.
This is great news for the well-behaved Americans, England’s first opponent in the Finals. A few choice words in Terry’s ear during the June 12 match-up – "You should see what Bridge is doing behind your back, John" – could open up holes in England’s defense, and lead to a romp of American goals against the colonial ancestor.
Let’s hope so.
Alan Black is Scottish. And American. His book, The Glorious World Cup – A Balls Out Guide is published in early May by Penguin.
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