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If he's not offending men, women and children with his outspoken views, he occasionally turns his attentions to sorting out football's ills. Just as well FIFA isn't in crisis



FiFA president Sepp Blatter stands on the verge of another four years as the leader of world football's governing body, despite the organisation appearing to be teetering on the brink of outright revolt.

Following an extraordinary press conference in Zurich on Monday, Goal.com takes a sideways look at some of Blatter's most incredible statements during his reign at the top of football's political tree...

"The source of wealth is from individuals with little or no history of interest in the game, who have happened upon football as a means of serving some hidden agenda."

Sepp Blatter here talking about about himself and his FIFA pals greedy businessmen taking over football clubs to make a fast buck.

"Unfortunately there are other pressing and unpleasant issues that also must be dealt with: corruption, racism, betting and doping."

Zero out of four isn't that bad, I suppose.

"Because I love football and I love the footballers."

You just hate the fans, the ordinary people who aren't fortunate enough to have the money to go to Fifa tournaments, journalists asking fair questions, etc, etc.

"FIFA cannot sit by and see greed rule the football world. Nor shall we."

No, FIFA will not stand by, it will get actively involved to ensure its senior members make a killing too.

"If there is no winner at the end of 90 minutes of play, we would proceed directly to penalty kicks."

He obviously never watched the MLS, as he thinks there should be no drawn games at World Cups. 

"It can also be dangerous. It can be like to hang somebody."

On football's biggest issue: the snood.

"I do not think, and the FIFA Congress are of the same view, that you can afford to stop the game, and with the camera system HawkEye showed us, there is a delay in announcing the decision and the situation can change. The chip in the ball technology, which Adidas and Kairos trialled, was not accurate enough and the problem is that you have to put the chips in millions of balls made by lots of different companies."

Blatter bleats on about not using simple goalline technology in 2009 because it'd cost a lot of money. Hmm. Fifa has lots of money, so do football teams, so do ball manufacturers... where is the problem?

"As soon as we have a safe, fast and uncomplicated goal indicator, we will use it."

Sepp changes his tune on technology a year later. Don't know if you know, mate, but it's been around in cricket and tennis for plenty of years and works just fine.


Rather embarrassing associating myself with this... | ... thinks the guy in the lion suit

"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball. They could, for example, have tighter shorts."

Apparently Andy Gray and Richard Keys were appalled by this outburst.

"Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men - such as playing with a lighter ball."

For the head of world football, you'd think he'd know that the women's game is played with the same ball as the men's.

"I think in football, there's too much modern slavery, in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere."

Finished with being sexist, Sepp makes a ridiculous and lazily offensive analogy when asked about the Cristiano Ronaldo transfer saga, because, of course, a £100,000-a-week footballer really is just like a slave.

"The host of the 2018 World Cup is… Russia!"

And then everyone acted surprised.

"The host of the 2022 World Cup is… Qatar!"

But remember, they didn't buy the World Cup. Even if the general secretary of FIFA said they did. Because he didn't mean it like that, obviously.

"I'd say they [gay fans] should refrain from any sexual activities."

Ah good, back to offending people. Sepp laughs at a legitimate question about the World Cup being staged in a country where homosexuality is illegal.

"Handling the past will be presented to the Congress. We have to make sure that immediately after the election that we rebuild the image of Fifa."

Or you could rebuild the image of FIFA before and during the election. Just a thought.

"This committee will strengthen our credibility and give us a new image in terms of transparency. I will take care of it personally, to ensure there is no corruption at FIFA."

Sepp will investigate Sepp to ensure that Sepp is doing things by the book. Seems fair.

"I received once an envelope, when I was secretary general and in this envelope there was an amount of money. I couldn’t refuse because he put it in my pocket. I came home here to Fifa and gave it to the finance director and he put this money on the account of the Swiss Bank Corporation.... Then it was specifically known that please don’t try to give money to somebody who’s in the FIFA."

Sepp proudly boasts that he turned down a bribe, but receives full marks for incompetence by doing nothing about the man who tried to buy him off.

"Crisis? What is a crisis? If one of you can describe to me what a crisis is, I can answer."

It'd be two senior members of FIFA, one of them your best mate for years, being charged with bribing officials and it happening on your watch.


I've lost my dictionary! | Blatter fumes as he struggles to understand what 'crisis' means

"We are not in crisis, just some difficulties. The difficulties will be solved, and solved inside our family."

There was a load creaking noise as he said that: it was the sound of a giant carpet being lifted up so the whole corruption saga could be swept underneath it.

"…"

For a change, Sepp said nothing after being asked to respond to critics who say he should step down.

"Listen. I will not go into discussions with people that like to create problems."

Blatter seems to think that it's the journalists' fault that FIFA is in turmoil, rather than the in-fighting, the blatant corruption and the sham of an election set to take place on Wednesday.

Football, eh, isn't it great?

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