The Short List: What It Takes To Be A U.S. National Team Fan

This is key to being a U.S. Soccer fan. If the coach is an American point out his lack of tactical genius, his love for certain players, and his inability to manage a game. Make sure you let everyone know that he should be fired. Call him names even. And when you realize that he is going to be the coach of the U.S. National team through the World Cup, blame the rest of U.S. Soccer for letting it happen.

But you can't just call for his head. You have to point out things he does wrong. Like playing his son in the middle of the field, or leaving Freddy Adu off the roster. It's pretty simple really. If the U.S. if failing to score goals, blame Bradley for not putting better attacking players on the field. Call for Jose Torres, Stuart Holden, Adu, or one of the more "creative" players to get some run. If the U.S. is leaking goals to weaker teams, call for a new group of defenders to be on the field. Ask for Marvell Wynne, Chad Marshall, whoever you can think of, and wonder why they aren't in the game.

In doing this, disregard what those options actually bring to the table, where they lack, or that the team won. Just go with it. It works and others will agree with you.

2. Feel Like You Should Blow Out Teams In CONCACAF:

"It's CONCACAF. The U.S. should win every game other than the Mexico game in Azteca by five or six goals."

That should be your stance. Don't take time to understand the talent levels of the other teams in the region. Don't bother to point out that some of those teams actually have several players who would easily be starters for the U.S., and are probably as good as anyone the U.S. has to offer. It's not good enough to simply qualify for the World Cup. We should have qualified two months ago.

Point to the talent pool and how deep it has become. Point out all of the players the U.S. has in Europe and make sure everyone knows that the number is growing every year. Be careful not to mention the unimpressive amount of playing time that most of them get. Or the unimpressive leagues that most play in. Simply say "Hey, we have X amount of guys in Europe. We should be able to crush everyone."

When it doesn't happen, or even if you realize at some point that being in Europe doesn't mean that you play for a good team, or even that you are really a good player on international level, blame the coach for not using the talent he has at his disposal.

3. Find A Player You Love:

Pick out a guy you like a lot. After every game, whether he played well or not, point out how well he played. Mistakes are going to happen, especially if you picked out a younger player, but those don't matter. Point out everything he does well throughout the game. (I recommend going with a fringe player here. That way, when he gets in the game and makes a single good play you can look like a genius.)

If he doesn't play in a loss, revert to calling for Bradley's head for not putting him on the field. Clearly, that guy would've changed to outcome entirely.

4. Find A Player To Hate:

This is just as easy. Pick a guy you don't like and bash him for everything. (I recommend picking one of the regulars here, you'll get more talking points.) Again, you have to be careful not to mention anything he does well. If he scores, you call it a gift. If he doesn't score, you ask why not. If the team holds a clean sheet, make sure not to mention that their opponent's most dangerous player was playing opposite him.

Then, whatever this guy does poorly you point out. If they give away possession, make a bad tackle, don't change the game, whatever. There is no need to have any real understanding or their game, or what they are being asked to do, just call out what you see them doing that you would've done better.

The best part is, when your choice guy doesn't play well, you can call for him to be benched, and call for Bradley's head, and if he does play well, you can just not mention anything about him.

5. Get On Board When Things Go Well:

If the U.S. pulls off an upset, get on board quickly. Call them great. Praise everyone. Backtrack on every statement you made talking down about the coach or the players you don't like. Be careful not to go too far. One win doesn't mean much. But be sure to claim that the tide is turning, even if you'll be back to bashing everyone the next week. After all, that's what being a fan of one of the most frustrating teams in the world is all about.

Allen Ramsey is an associate editor of Goal.com USA. The Short List runs every Wednesday on Goal.com.

For more on the U.S. National Team visit Goal.com's dedicated page.