Monday MLS Breakdown: Resolutions

By Kyle McCarthy 

The collective common conscience tends to equate New Year(s) with new beginning(s). Giving people the chance to obtain a new beginning leads to all of those fancy resolutions to purchase a health club membership, swear off fatty foods and give up supporting front-running Man United for a more noble cause. 

Alas, those resolutions never work out the way we intend. Health clubs mysteriously swell in numbers from Jan. 1-15 before returning to their previously desolate states, dessert sales continue to climb as people return to the snack aisle and craven Man United fans continue to be Man United fans even though the local club down the road has far more character and they haven't voyaged north of Birmingham. 

Despite our inability to adhere to our hopes, we continue the pursuit of those New Year's resolutions year after year. In that spirit, I offer up a few well-intentioned and many altogether off-the-wall resolutions for those connected with MLS heading into 2009. 

Clubs 

Columbus Crew: Lose the persecution complex; it doesn't befit champions. 

New York Red Bulls: Force Juan Carlos Osorio to sit down with a long tome describing the fall of Claudio Ranieri at Chelsea. 

Houston Dynamo: Stay ahead of the aging curve by introducing new blood to complement the experienced core. 

Chicago Fire: Raise Ponce de Leon from the grave and ask him to lead Cuauhtemoc Blanco and Brian McBride to the Fountain of Youth. 

New England Revolution: Replace Clint Dempsey, Andy Dorman and Michael Parkhurst or at least make a valiant attempt to do so. 

Chivas USA: Figure out who supports the team and cater to them.  

Real Salt Lake: Forget about 2008 and focus on 2009 as if it never happened – it will lessen the burden of expectations. 

Kansas City Wizards: See if there is an organization similar to AARP for the under-25 set; it might earn the club some discounts. 

FC Dallas and Colorado Rapids: Stop dressing up fans as empty seats and start working towards something on the field that strays far away from mediocrity. 

D.C. United: Pull the trigger on changes early next season if the start of the season heads south. 

Los Angeles Galaxy: Compose a defensive scheme that includes stopping the other team. 

San Jose Earthquakes: Acquire a two-way central midfielder to give the team some push through the center of the park. 

Toronto FC: Discover the world of player acquisition outside the English Championship. 

Seattle Sounders FC: Realize now that a title is at least two or three seasons away. 

Players, Coaches and Other Dignitaries 

Don Garber, MLS Commissioner: Find a way to make peace with the international calendar and the profitable (and not-so-profitable) tournaments the league needs to maintain. 

Bob Foose, MLS Players Union head: Expunge the phrase “no comment” from your repertoire unless absolutely necessary – it's negotiating season and early perceptions indicate the league is gaining the upper hand while the Union stands around watching and hesitating. 

Sunil Gulati, U.S. Soccer and Kraft Soccer head: Refuse to move the Mexico qualifier away from Columbus – Salt Lake City may be friendly, but the Mexicans aren't exactly averse to playing at altitude (Sandy, Utah is 4,450 ft above sea level, while Mexico City rests 7,349 feet above sea level). 

Ivan Gazidis, Arsenal chief executive: Remember what made you successful in the first place. 

Sigi Schmid, Seattle Sounders FC head coach: Ignore the calls to build your team around Freddie Ljungberg, your injury-prone Swedish designated player; any games he plays for the club should be looked upon as a bonus rather than a necessity. 

Steve Nicol, New England head coach: Block glowing diatribes about former players out of your head. For example, the following passage from The Times: “Andy Dorman was the outstanding player in the meeting with Hamilton, as he has been so often for St Mirren since swapping Major League Soccer for a move to Paisley last year. His cleverly disguised pass released Jack Ross to cross for substitute Craig Dargo’s winning goal, clinching a match of few chances. Dorman’s overall contribution was outstanding.” 

Bruce Arena, Los Angeles Galaxy head coach: Remind yourself that coaching for big money in SoCal is a much better fate than a European excursion in Scandinavia. 

Eddie Robinson, Houston Dynamo defender: Restore your game to its height and understand that your team needs you to return to your dominating form. 

Kenny Cooper, FC Dallas striker: Look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase: “While I can play out wide because I am athletic and skilled, I am a big, hulking center forward who should learn to spend most of my time in the center of the park.” 

Landon Donovan, Los Angeles Galaxy striker: Sign a European deal during the winter transfer window and stay in Europe for the length of the deal before returning home triumphantly to stick your success in the face of every single doubter you can locate. 

David Beckham, Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder: Recommit to MLS after a loan stint with AC Milan and do that commitment justice by giving maximum effort – both offensively and defensively – in every match.

Kyle McCarthy writes the Monday MLS Breakdown and blogs frequently during the week for Goal.com. Contact him with your questions or comments at kylemccarthy@gmail.com.