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Goal.commentary: MLS American Idol
Maybe you've never thought about what the hit show American Idol and the MLS playoffs have in common. Seth Vertelney unlocks the great mystery of the cosmic connections.
Oct 30, 2008 2:33:45 AM
By Seth Vertelney
The final eight. The cream of the crop. The lesser competitors have dropped out, one-by-one. There is no margin for error now. Any mistake, any poor performance could result in a one way trip back home. Each competitor is truly in the spotlight now, and judgment will be swift and harsh. Simon, Randy and Paula aren't messing around any more.
Sorry, I'm just getting myself pumped for another riveting season of American Idol. What's that you say? This is a soccer website? Alright, well, there must be some kind of soccer competition that parallels the drama of America's favorite karaoke contest.
Wait a second, I do believe the MLS playoffs start this Thursday.This could just be it. Let's see, intense drama? Check. Head to head competition? Check. Knockout format? Check. Borderline insane person making judgments? Check (Paula Abdul, meet Max Bretos). Final round in L.A.? Check. Absurdly high ratings? They are getting better, but hey, no comparison is perfect.
With all this in mind, let's look at the 13th edition of the MLS playoffs in American Idol knockout format. We'll start with the first to be knocked out and work our way up to the champion, giving each participant an American Idol equivalent.
Out in the First Round: New York Red Bulls- Sanjaya Malakar.
Much like Sanjaya, the Red Bulls turned in one bad performance after the next, only to find themselves inexplicably advancing onwards. One win in the last six games is not the way to make a stretch run.Their final match was a 5-2 drubbing at the hands of Chicago. Their defense looked as brutal as Sanjaya's hair. They allowed 18 goals in their last six games, good for a 1-4-1 record. Sanjaya was saved each and every week by the prepubescent vote and the Red Bulls have been saved by Juan Pablo Angel. With two-time defending champs Houston ahead, it won't last too much longer.
New England Revolution - Justin Guarini.
The original runner-up on American Idol seems like a perfect match for the perpetual runner-up in the MLS. This year, a return trip to the MLS Cup, which they have lost three years in a row, would be an improbable achievement for the Revs. Much like Justin, the Revs have a fatal flaw which has exposed them. For Justin, he was always second fiddle to Kelly Clarkson, the Robin to her Batman. For the Revs, it's that they just can't seem to win without Steve Ralston, who is out for the season with a broken leg. They have now lost four of five, and facing the high flying Fire in the first round will see the Revs dropped faster than Justin was from his record label.
Kansas City Wizards- Bo Bice
Bo was a great change of pace to American Idol. His rock style was a first for the show and it took him a long way. The Wizards needed a change of pace after propping up the Eastern Conference standings as recently as mid September. They got just what they needed with the acquisitions of Herculez Gomez and Abe Thompson, who have propelled them into the postseason. Bo probably would have won Idol any other year, but his season saw him finish second best to a blonde-haired juggernaut known as Carrie Underwood. Unfortunately for the Wizards,they will meet the same fate against the blonde jerseys of the juggernaut Crew.
Real Salt Lake- David Archuleta
This one was too easy. Archuleta is actually from Sandy, Utah, home to brand-new Rio Tinto stadium. RSL has had a breakout season, making their first ever playoff appearance, but much like Archuleta, they might be a little too young and inexperienced to make it on the big stage. On American Idol, Archuleta was the runner-up to David Cook. In the first round, RSL will be second best as well against playoff-tested Chivas U.S.A.
Out in the Semifinals: Columbus Crew- Kelly Clarkson
Much like Kelly Clarkson, the Crew have had some serious hits.Clarkson hit the top of the charts with "A Moment Like This," "Since UBeen Gone" and "Because of You." Similarly, the Crew hit the top of the MLS charts with their smash, "The MLS Supporters' Shield." Clarkson, though, has hit a bit of a rough patch lately, with her 2007summer tour canceled due to underwhelming ticket sales. She definitely has the talent, but it remains to be seen if she can reclaim her past glory. Now, to the Crew. They also definitely have the talent, but a Clarkson-like rough patch might be ahead due to their playoff inexperience. They bow out to Chicago, who have now taken out Justin and Kelly in consecutive rounds, which is quite the accomplishment.
Chivas U.S.A. - Ruben Studdard
Chivas U.S.A have gotten off to a fast start in their first four seasons of existence. After missing the postseason in their inaugural season, they have now made the playoffs three years in a row. Ruben got off to a fast start in his post-Idol career as well, hitting number two on the charts with his single, "Flying Without Wings". Ruben never did fly as high again, and the Goats will also be wondering if they've hit their apex after another playoff defeat, this time at the hands of Houston.
The Runner-Up: Chicago Fire- Chris Daughtry
Daughtry didn't finish his season on top, but when money-making time came around, he rose above all the rest, and now owns the fastest-selling debut rock album in history. The Fire didn't finish their season on top either, but they will emulate Daughtry's money-making time success by advancing to the MLS Cup. Daughtry found his niche by marketing himself to the same fans who buy Staind, 3 Doors Down and Nickelback albums by the truckload. Chicago found its niche early in the season as a defensive force, but lately has been morphing into an offensive power as well, led by MLS Player of the Week Chris Rolfe. Daughtry's demise might eventually come once fans realize his music is about as exciting as a dusty prairie in Texas, which is a perfect segue to the Fire's ultimate downfall.
The Winner (and still champion)Houston Dynamo- Carrie Underwood
Houston is the two-time MLS defending champion, and is riding a nine-game unbeaten streak. Carrie Underwood is the two-time defending Grammy winner for Best Female Country Vocal Performance, and is really, really, ridiculously good looking. Both are from the south, and both don't look to be giving up their titles any time soon. Watch for Dwayne De Rosario to take the wheel, much like Jesus, and lead the Dynamo to a three-peat.
The final eight. The cream of the crop. The lesser competitors have dropped out, one-by-one. There is no margin for error now. Any mistake, any poor performance could result in a one way trip back home. Each competitor is truly in the spotlight now, and judgment will be swift and harsh. Simon, Randy and Paula aren't messing around any more.
Sorry, I'm just getting myself pumped for another riveting season of American Idol. What's that you say? This is a soccer website? Alright, well, there must be some kind of soccer competition that parallels the drama of America's favorite karaoke contest.
Wait a second, I do believe the MLS playoffs start this Thursday.This could just be it. Let's see, intense drama? Check. Head to head competition? Check. Knockout format? Check. Borderline insane person making judgments? Check (Paula Abdul, meet Max Bretos). Final round in L.A.? Check. Absurdly high ratings? They are getting better, but hey, no comparison is perfect.
With all this in mind, let's look at the 13th edition of the MLS playoffs in American Idol knockout format. We'll start with the first to be knocked out and work our way up to the champion, giving each participant an American Idol equivalent.
Out in the First Round: New York Red Bulls- Sanjaya Malakar.
Much like Sanjaya, the Red Bulls turned in one bad performance after the next, only to find themselves inexplicably advancing onwards. One win in the last six games is not the way to make a stretch run.Their final match was a 5-2 drubbing at the hands of Chicago. Their defense looked as brutal as Sanjaya's hair. They allowed 18 goals in their last six games, good for a 1-4-1 record. Sanjaya was saved each and every week by the prepubescent vote and the Red Bulls have been saved by Juan Pablo Angel. With two-time defending champs Houston ahead, it won't last too much longer.
New England Revolution - Justin Guarini.
The original runner-up on American Idol seems like a perfect match for the perpetual runner-up in the MLS. This year, a return trip to the MLS Cup, which they have lost three years in a row, would be an improbable achievement for the Revs. Much like Justin, the Revs have a fatal flaw which has exposed them. For Justin, he was always second fiddle to Kelly Clarkson, the Robin to her Batman. For the Revs, it's that they just can't seem to win without Steve Ralston, who is out for the season with a broken leg. They have now lost four of five, and facing the high flying Fire in the first round will see the Revs dropped faster than Justin was from his record label.
Kansas City Wizards- Bo Bice
Bo was a great change of pace to American Idol. His rock style was a first for the show and it took him a long way. The Wizards needed a change of pace after propping up the Eastern Conference standings as recently as mid September. They got just what they needed with the acquisitions of Herculez Gomez and Abe Thompson, who have propelled them into the postseason. Bo probably would have won Idol any other year, but his season saw him finish second best to a blonde-haired juggernaut known as Carrie Underwood. Unfortunately for the Wizards,they will meet the same fate against the blonde jerseys of the juggernaut Crew.
Real Salt Lake- David Archuleta
This one was too easy. Archuleta is actually from Sandy, Utah, home to brand-new Rio Tinto stadium. RSL has had a breakout season, making their first ever playoff appearance, but much like Archuleta, they might be a little too young and inexperienced to make it on the big stage. On American Idol, Archuleta was the runner-up to David Cook. In the first round, RSL will be second best as well against playoff-tested Chivas U.S.A.
Out in the Semifinals: Columbus Crew- Kelly Clarkson
Much like Kelly Clarkson, the Crew have had some serious hits.Clarkson hit the top of the charts with "A Moment Like This," "Since UBeen Gone" and "Because of You." Similarly, the Crew hit the top of the MLS charts with their smash, "The MLS Supporters' Shield." Clarkson, though, has hit a bit of a rough patch lately, with her 2007summer tour canceled due to underwhelming ticket sales. She definitely has the talent, but it remains to be seen if she can reclaim her past glory. Now, to the Crew. They also definitely have the talent, but a Clarkson-like rough patch might be ahead due to their playoff inexperience. They bow out to Chicago, who have now taken out Justin and Kelly in consecutive rounds, which is quite the accomplishment.
Chivas U.S.A. - Ruben Studdard
Chivas U.S.A have gotten off to a fast start in their first four seasons of existence. After missing the postseason in their inaugural season, they have now made the playoffs three years in a row. Ruben got off to a fast start in his post-Idol career as well, hitting number two on the charts with his single, "Flying Without Wings". Ruben never did fly as high again, and the Goats will also be wondering if they've hit their apex after another playoff defeat, this time at the hands of Houston.
The Runner-Up: Chicago Fire- Chris Daughtry
Daughtry didn't finish his season on top, but when money-making time came around, he rose above all the rest, and now owns the fastest-selling debut rock album in history. The Fire didn't finish their season on top either, but they will emulate Daughtry's money-making time success by advancing to the MLS Cup. Daughtry found his niche by marketing himself to the same fans who buy Staind, 3 Doors Down and Nickelback albums by the truckload. Chicago found its niche early in the season as a defensive force, but lately has been morphing into an offensive power as well, led by MLS Player of the Week Chris Rolfe. Daughtry's demise might eventually come once fans realize his music is about as exciting as a dusty prairie in Texas, which is a perfect segue to the Fire's ultimate downfall.
The Winner (and still champion)Houston Dynamo- Carrie Underwood
Houston is the two-time MLS defending champion, and is riding a nine-game unbeaten streak. Carrie Underwood is the two-time defending Grammy winner for Best Female Country Vocal Performance, and is really, really, ridiculously good looking. Both are from the south, and both don't look to be giving up their titles any time soon. Watch for Dwayne De Rosario to take the wheel, much like Jesus, and lead the Dynamo to a three-peat.
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