Mock the Window: Suarez discusses Liverpool future with Rodgers

In today's edition the Uruguayan sits down to ponder whether he stays at Anfield, and we take a look at what was really meant by the day's major transfer quotes
As imagined by Alex Hess


Luis Suarez: Hi boss, thanks for seeing me.

Brendan Rodgers: That’s okay Luis. You know I’m a friend first, boss second. What can I do for you? Shoot.

LS: Well boss, I’m sorry to come to you with this news, but I’d like to discuss my future at the club.

BR: Stop right there. Is this about money, Luis? You know that money don’t make my world go round. I’m reaching out to a higher ground. Plus, we only gave you a new contract in the summer.

LS: No boss, it isn’t that. In fact, I do really like it here at Liverpool.

BR: Yeah?

I think Mr Wenger wants rid of me. He has already expelled my good friends Marouane and Johan from the club, and now my 5-a-side team in training – ‘Last Picks United’, as Teacher’s Pet Jack calls us, whatever that means – has only 3 players: me, Andre and Vito. Because no other clubs are run by socialists, though, Mr Wenger may not find anyone willing to pay my socialist wages. I hope he doesn’t.

- Sebastien, 32, north London

LS: Yeah. I mean, I have a good contract, like you said, and the fans are fantastic – they’ll defend literally anything I do. Seriously, anything! Plus, it’s great playing with players like Sir Stevie – although I wish he wouldn’t make everyone call him that. And, of course, the team play with quite a nice style-

BR. Philosophy.

LS: What?

BR: Philosophy. Fee-lo-so-fee. Not ‘style’ – I’m not Gok Wan, I’m Brendan Rodgers. Plato, Aristotle, Descartes, Rodgers, understand? And Sir Steven has instructed me not to allow anyone to speak ill of him. So cut that out. Okay?

LS: Yes, yes, okay. In fact, since you brought it up, one of the problems I have here is the philosophy classes you make us sit every day. To be honest, boss, I’m not sure it helps a great deal. I mean, I’m sure other managers don’t make their players do that. I know for a fact that Jonjo is really struggling with Kantian aesthetics, and Glen, well he’s given up completely. He just skives the lessons now and heads down to B&Q instead. Don’t tell him I told on him.

BR: Listen, Luis, philosophy is very important at this club. Whether its Plato’s Cave or Brendan’s Passing, it's a vital area of knowledge. The lessons stay, okay? What else are you not happy with?

LS: Well, to be honest boss, I’m just not entirely convinced that the other players at the club are playing at quite the same standard that I am. Hang on – let me rephrase. Literally no-one here is anywhere near as good as me. It’s insane.

BR: Hmmm. Good point, well made.

LS: Also, can you please not tell Mr Skrtel I said that. He scares me. He headbutts rocks in his leisure time. So I’d rather he didn’t know my thoughts on the team, boss.

BR: Okay. Anything else?

LS: Well, there’s also the small issue that this country’s entire population, Liverpool fans excepted, despise me and everything I do. The diving thing, especially, seems to really rile them – even though many others do it too, and even plenty of Brits. I mean, it’s almost as if English football’s deeply ingrained masculinity complex has fused with the more general culture of xenophobia than pervades much of Britain and resulted in me being disproportionally scapegoated for all these perceived evils. Either way, I’m pretty sure the blame can be traced back to Tony Pulis somehow.

BR: Have you been taking sociology classes? It’s strictly philosophy only here, Luis. You know that. Plato, Aristotle, Descartes-

LS: [Interrupting] Rodgers. I know. Sorry boss.

BR: Anyway, I see your points. Look, come back to me on Monday and we’ll talk more. In the meantime, can you pop down to the dance studio and remind Sturridge that training – football training – starts at 2pm, and if you see Stewart, make sure there are no shoelaces in his boots, as always.

LS: Yes boss. See you Monday.


Mock the Window dons it's translator's hat and does you, the reader, the kind favour of decoding the day's quotes from across the footballing world, as told to the press.

Sir Alex Ferguson: "There's [no transfer business] to report! It's January, what can I say? I know you're desperate for a story but there's no story. I've got nothing to tell you."


Coloccini wants Newcastle exit

Torres longs for Liverpool

Man Utd consider Conte
Decoded: "Get your pens ready chaps, this is the very same month I signed Evra, Vidic, Saha, Lindegaard and hot prospect Bebe. I currently have Wilfried Zaha locked in my boot in the car park, with Gary Neville writing up his contract as we speak."

Jurgen Klopp: "I can't say anything about [Nuri Sahin] right now. It's no secret I always had contact with him. I don't know what role he takes in Brendan Rodgers' plans."

Decoded: "What can I not say about Sahin? He's signing for Dortmund again. Don't believe me? Ask him, he's in the room next door with pen in hand."

Roberto Mancini: "[Milan’s interest in Mario Balotelli] is not true. I am very, very happy with him."

Decoded: "Milan, you say?! Get in – we’ve found a taker! We’ll listen to literally any offer for that kid. Anything. I’m sick of having to dance this ‘father-son bond’ dance in front of you lot, too. The sooner he’s gone from my club the better."

Arsene Wenger: "We are still working in the transfer market. No-one will be leaving."

Decoded: "Why would I want any new players when I already have gems like Ramsey, Santos and Gervinho, you fools? Plus Diaby and Rosicky are on the verge of returning from minor injuries and everyone knows they will both be world-beaters once they have a run of games under their belt. That said, if there’s a manager out there who is willing to take Squillaci or Arshavin off my hands, check yourself into your nearest mental institution without hesitation, be my guest.

Iker Casillas: "This club is wonderful and special and it brings everything together to be here. I’m from Madrid and would like to retire here if possible."

Decoded. "This manager is a complete loon. It’s him or me. Either he’s gone by August or King Iker will be hawking himself around to the highest bidder. It’s that simple."

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