In Goal.com's new daily feature we imagine what the Gunners boss would say to tempt the Barcelona star to sign, while Michael Owen sees his hopes of a big move evaporate...As imagined by Alex Hess
Welcome, Goal.com disciples, to Window Watch. The feature that will be bringing you nuggets of hearty transfer window goodness throughout the madness of January.
With Arsenal having made a formal approach to sign David Villa, Arsene Wenger has really pushed the boat out in his attempts to convince the Barcelona striker that the Emirates Stadium is the place to be.
Yes, that's right, Goal.com can exclusively claim to have intercepted a secret letter that was sent from the Gunners boss directly to his top transfer target. Feast your eyes on this...
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Silvio Berlusconi quashed speculation linking Milan with a move for Edinson Cavani by pronouncing that he much prefers the leggy, alluring, but dangerously youthful exoticism of Stephan El Shaarawy to the somewhat older and rather more masculine Napoli striker.
I hope this letter finds you well.
I am writing to offer you the chance to sign for Arsenal.
As my club has come under a lot of criticism recently for things such as not winning trophies, and continuing to employ Sebastien Squillaci, I thought I would write to you personally to defend Arsenal against these accusations. I write to explain to you why we are in fact the most principled and virtuous footballing entity in existence and why you would be a capitalist fool to not want to join us.
Firstly, the trophies thing. People criticise us for not bringing home silverware, but these idiots do not realise that football is an aesthetic pursuit as well as a competitive one. After all, how many Turner Prizes did Rembrandt win? None, David. How many Oscars has Scarlett Johansson won? Zero. Both have brought so much beauty to the world, and received no awards for their selfless efforts. Rembrandt, Johansson, Wenger.
So, when I see Santi Cazorla and Jack Wilshere playing endless one-twos in the opposition box, I am almost as happy as when I lifted that first sweet, sweet Premier League trophy in 1998. Almost. Anyway, what is the point of winning a trophy when you do it with Martin Keown in defence? He wouldn’t know the Beautiful Game if it crept up behind him, screaming, arms raised. Surely you feel the same about Carles Puyol? I'm sure you do. Now, instead of Keown, we have Laurent Koscielny, who keeps his hair much neater and whose disgust at shirt pulling, fouling, and indeed marking altogether, brings Keown to shame. Ugly Keown. Beautiful Laurent.
Football should be a beautiful sport, David. At Arsenal you will learn this first-hand. You see, you may think Barcelona have mastered the passing game, but I’m sorry to tell you, you have been cheating. You are actually not allowed to have Busquets in midfield – he is much too tall, and he also likes to tackle. In fact, he reminds me of Patrick Vieira, and I got rid of him for those very reasons. Now we have Aaron Ramsey, who is nice and short, with no tackling, and of course far better looking. No cheating at Arsenal.
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Also, being the chivalrous folk that we are, Arsenal also have a socialist pay structure, which means that you are likely to earn a similar wage to all your peers. This is morality in action, David. No matter how well you play, Squillaci, Gervinho and Andre Santos will take home similar pay-cheques to you. And if that’s not the very definition of fair, then what is?
So, are you a beautiful, collectivist man like me, or are you an ugly, profit-seeking mercenary? I think we both know the answer.
My very best,
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