When El Zlat met Pep: Can a warm welcome prevent the Catalan Supremo from getting Zlattified

Before the all important clash in the Champions League tonight, Goal.com hire a time machine and zoom into the future and bring you excerpts from the Ibra and Pep conversation...
By Kaustav Bera

28th March, 2012. San Siro.
Scene: Away Side's Dressing Room
Time: 2 hours before kick-off

Pep Guardiola is first to walk into the dressing room. The rest of his team are busy signing autographs. Lionel Messi is also trying to prove to the numerous Italian female fans who were disappointed at not seeing David Villa that size doesn't matter!!

Guardiola is depressed as he has not been requested for any autographs from the assembled fans. While he tries to find a reason in his '13 trophy' winning mind of his (coveted by Sir Alex Ferguson especially after the 2009 and 2011 punishment)... he absent-mindedly flicks the switch on for lights in the Barcelona dressing room for the night.

'Hello Bossman, Why So Serious?'

Bewildered Guardiola looks around a spots a familiar face in a ponytail staring at him and sitting in Alexis Sanchez's position dangling the Barcelona No. 9 Shirt around pensively. He immediately tries to make a getaway but fails to open the door.

"Tsch Tsch Tsch Boss, I already thought of that. You know what, Do not go by those news reports of me not wanting to shake your hands. I personally came to make sure I shake *hands* and a lot more shaking is in store! So don't go anywhere!"

Guardiola mutters to himself:

"Didn't I get rid of this bloke long ago! Or the dementia he displayed in finding the goal has meant that he found the wrong dressing room!"

Aloud he forces a smile on his face, and clearing his throat says:

"Hello Ibra. Long Time. How is Helena (Ibra's wife) keeping?"

Ibra: Boss don't meddle in personal matters please. Remember how pissed she was when you prematurely ended our Spanish sojourn in any case.

Pep: Yeah I know, I lost some hair(s) that day. I was merely asking after I read you had a tiff with her regarding some journalist.

Ibra: There are many people who talk without knowing anything and they would do better to shut up.

Pep: Huh...what?

Ibra: Sorry that wasn't directed to you. Actually I had been asked by my best mate (Super Mario) to say this whenever this topic came up. And in any case I had to dole out a month's salary for Helena for the work of these stupid journalists.

| Not that too Darling, You just finished my last pence |

Pep: All's well that ends well. On the topic of reporters I heard you are practising your black belt in taekwondo quite frequently?

Ibra: Whaat? I told you boss. These journos are the masters of deception even more than your Messi's turns and spins.

Pep: Really?

Ibra: Take for example that chap Rod in Milan (Rodney Strasser). He asked me to kick him duh-uh. Actually the story was that all of Milan knew that my feet were magical and Rod had a backache, which wasn't going away so as a last resort he asked me to kick him, and i obliged inspite of having to dirty my feet. And waalah, the back pain vanished spontaneously.

Pep: Oh! Interesting! *Scratches his back*

Ibra: You see my reputation has spread far and wide, and inspite of many demands I did not relent. The only exceptions were Antonio Cassano and Christian Wilhelmson (Swedish team mate) and that too because they beat me in Fifa when I took Messi and they took Me!

Pep: Oh! I see..So I had this problem...aah never mind

Ibra: Aah Boss, I got it. You want El Zlat's kick right?

Pep: (Scared) No No I am good. I was asking you about your outburst on Arrigo Sacchi calling him jealous.

Ibra: Who Sacchi, oh that old guy on TV and whom I see randomly loitering around the San Siro. These fools. They think so much of themselves when they can't even kick a ball. Sheesh. And anyway no one insults my feet...I mean it No one. Only Zlat can call his feet 'big'

Pep: (Shaking his head bewildered)

#Suddenly the door is thrown open. Its a plane. Its a firecracker. Its a bear. Its actually Super Mario! #

Ibra: Balo, huh, what are you doing here?

Balo: Hey Ibra, I was passing by having dropped in that new Inter bloke's press conference some Staccato or Staccharini or something and funny thing is the press and everyone wanted to see me! Go figure! And any way gate-crashing is my specialty you see.

Pep: (Now doubly intimidated) Hi Mario. How is Yaya doing?

Balo: Who Yaya? Oh that bloke who always plays behind me. I am too high up on the pitch to notice those people running around in any case. And anyway its difficult to spot him!

Ibra: So I was planning this firecracker party. You game?

Balo: Sure man! Btw You saw Messi?

Ibra: Yeah I saw him panting around outside, since the Italian fans don't like him. They want Me or Villa.

Balo: Hmm..I heard he carried his Ballon D' Or's to show around! I promised mum in England I would get one back..so toodles I am off.

Pep: (How should I warn Messi??) Strange things keep happening today. So Ibra, how ARE your team-mates and all?

Ibra: Let's not talk about that boss. Since I alone shoulder my team and yet I get no credit. Take that crock, Pato for example. He lands up with Barbie (Barbara Berlusconi). I tried so hard to pack him off to Paris (PSG) but he ended up injured and my plan got foiled. Damn! And she was out of my reach.

Pep: Oh! I see

Ibra: Btw how are those three kids? Did they go to their next class yet?

Pep: Who?

Ibra: Leo, Kavi and Andy remember! I used to call them that

Pep: Oh! Messi, Iniesta and Xavi eh!

Ibra: Yeah, those three midgets. So I heard Messi is the greatest player in the world or something now?

Pep: It is only because you are not here, that Messi is scoring those goals, man. You will always remain the greatest no matter what. They were intimidated by your God-like presence.

Ibra: I always knew it, those three conspired to send me away. Wait let me get my hands on them...

Pep: Cool down, cool down I never really wanted to let you go you see. It was Sandro Rosell and Joan Laporta. I always knew you were the greatest. Now I have to make do with Messi and all. Makes me sad

Ibra: I love you boss. But give me Laporta's contact address. This morning Robinho was reading to me, as he does every morning, and I hear he called me a 'mistake'.

Pep: (texts the contact to Ibra) Here you go. And know this I always loved you.

Pep: On that note do tell me the secret behind your 'gorgeous locks' ?

Ibra: It is all Rooney. That British bloke can't kick a ball properly but he knows about hair(s). Full treatment advice he gave me. You should contact him asap.

Pep: Now I understand why Messi and Xavi and everyone have Rooney in their Best Player list. I always thought he was nothing special. That's the secret, eh!

Ibra: Btw Boss, People tell me apparently that I am unlucky and apparently the team wins the Champions League after I leave. Is that true?

Pep: No my boy. Its actually that you are too quickwitted and fast for the world. What you think this year, your fellow players think the next.

Ibra: Yes, Boss. You truly understand me.

Pep: * takes out his hand for a handshake *

 #Ibra messages Mario to meet him in five minutes outside saying that there were some skulls to break#

Ibra: Sorry boss in a hurry. Gonna see how Rosell is doing. Oh and sorry for saying that you had no 'balls' and were afraid of Mourinho. Mourinho is no match for your tactical acumen.

#Pep's mobile flashes showing a call from someone named 'Mou'#

Ibra: Hey Boss, Mou your new girlfriend? Nice Nice keep it going!

Pep (breathing a sigh of relief) : Hi Jose, How are you? Congratulations on thrashing that team from Cyprus.... Heard Kaka scored too..... What you want Ibra at Real?.....Oh so that you can win CL two years later...after you kick him out...Brilliant plan!....Anyways, You were telling me how to defeat Milan....Please start from where we left off...Yes, asking Messi to tap Nesta's tummy...since he has a weak spot there...Go on... I am noting it down...

#Suddenly Ibra enters again and delivers a straight kick to Pep's back leaving Pep sprawling on the floor in agony#

Ibra: Parting gift boss, knew you were too shy to ask. You will have no more back pain since you just got Zlattified. Will only score two goals today and not more!!

Please note that this story is satirical...* That is if you have reached upto this point before claiming on the general ineptitude of the writers on Goal.com and lamenting how they hire almost anyone on the Internet!!

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Cartoon: Ibrahimovic v Guardiola