English Angle: Is Michael Owen Worth The Paper He's Printed On?

Hull City and Stoke City managed to survive in the Premier League last season after somewhat surprising promotions from the Championship. For their sophomore years in the top-flight, respective gaffers Phil Brown and Tony Pulis seem to think that the next logical step is signing Michael Owen.

The whole scenario is like a particularly abstract simulated career in Football Manager, unfortunately driving home the point that the English Premier League simply doesn't have the strength in depth that it should.

Most of us have by now had a virtual leaf through the Michael Owen promotional brochure which, in paper form, now resides in waste bins all over Europe. An amateurish leaflet, it describes the striker as 'Good looking', 'Cool' and 'Dynamic'. "Me too!" Brown is likely to have said as he gobbled up the dossier over breakfast. "What do you think Tony?" (He is, of course, referring to Tony the Tiger, who stares at him from his box of cereal). Pulis, though, wasn't sent a leaflet at all.

Owen, meanwhile, is wondering why anyone would be sceptical about his future, whilst nursing a helping of Nestle Sporties.

"I've got skin thicker than 95.9 per cent of the population," he said to Sky Sports. "I've got used to it. People write you off, but when I scored a goal at the World Cup as an 18-year-old, a year later I was written off. Then I scored a hat-trick against Germany and won five trophies with Liverpool. I'm about to turn 30, my legs will go... the criticism will continue. That's this country."

No, Michael, it's not the country - it's you. We're all aware that you have a superhuman instinct inside the box. This perma-crock status was a large part of the reason Newcastle United are now in the Championship, though, and the wages you picked up from the treatment room during the spectacular demise of the Magpies have been obscene.

The brochure also describes him as an 'ambassador'. However, that's a job for an ex-pro, like Bryan Robson at Manchester United. Owen needs to show that he has the hunger and spirit to give whoever signs him a couple of good seasons and a healthy return of goals. It's that simple, but it's far from guaranteed.

Hull supremo Paul Duffen has said: ""It would be an enormous move for us." Now, Duffen is a nice man, and an encouraging chairman, so it's hard to judge his judgement, as it were. The KC Stadium side aren't in the Premier League for no reason - there's been an astuteness and a naive belief throughout their rise from the bowels of English football which has clearly paid off. Maybe this fairytale can continue if everyone closes their eyes and wishes hard enough, with Owen decked out front-and-centre in tights as Peter Pan.

However, I just can't see it. Owen has mentioned Spain, where he previously turned out for Real Madrid; this could be a better option if anyone will have him. It's far easier to envision a form and fitness run sparked by climate change and a whole different set of pressures. Think David Beckham's brief flirtation with Milan - ol' Golden Balls was positively glowing, and Owen is, if nothing else, years younger at just 29.

Owen will never been that whippet-quick dagger into the heart of defences around the world that he was as a teenage superstar. I think we'd all like to see him give it one more try, of course, but it's doubtful as to whether he can stow his baggage in the overhead compartment long enough for the idea to take off.

Greg Ptolomey, Goal.com

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