Week 16
Welcome to the 16th edition of the 'Mock the Weekend' awards, where we make our disgust at our manager's slightly unreasonable behaviour perfectly clear, all in order to take a light-hearted and acerbic look back at the weekend's Premier League action.The student protestors' award for slightly over-the-top reaction
Carlos Tevez (Man City)
Carlos Tevez is on record, about five thousand records at that, saying that he hates football and will give it up at the next convenient opportunity. Which makes his reaction at being taken off in the final minutes of Manchester City's 1-0 win against Bolton Wanderers all the more puzzling.
Ranting and raving at Roberto Mancini — who responded with the teenage boy's schoolyard favourite of a push in the back as the assailant walked away — Tevez hardly gave the impression of someone who didn't really care about playing the game. Or maybe he was just disappointed to miss out on the additional £20,000 bonus he would have received for playing the entire game.
"If I had played today I would have scored two or three goals."
- Roberto Mancini
Thousands of Leicester City fans everywhere would be quick to disagree, Roberto. Not to mention Carlos Tevez.
Fantasy football heroRyan Nelsen (Blackburn Rovers)
Well done to joint winner Samir Nasri, but frankly 15 points is an outstanding haul for a defender so the New Zealander takes the award this week.
A clean sheet, an assist and a goal — Nelsen cleaned up this week, and he didn't even pick a single bonus point for being one of the three best players on the pitch. Amazing.
Fantasy football zero
Danny Collins (Stoke City)
Not only do own goals cost your team dearly, they also cost you dearly. That is the lesson Mr Collins might take away from this week, after his inadvertent contribution to the scoresheet in his side's game with Wigan saw him become the only player in minus figures.
Award for winning the battle of the on-trend fashion buyers
West Bromwich Albion
It seems the must-have fashion accessory for the newly promoted sides this summer (except Blackpool, who opted for Championship journeymen instead) was a prodigiously talented African midfielder.
Newcastle bought Cheick Tiote, West Brom added Somen Tchoyi. On Sunday the two met, and it was West Brom who come out on top — thanks partly to their other on-trend addition, Peter Odemwingie.
GOOD WEEK... Jordan HendersonBecause scoring the winning goal in a game otherwise devoid of anything approaching quality is sure to raise your reputation even more. Everton Because hopefully the sight of their white away kit at Stamford Bridge is a sign the horrendous pink kit has been consigned to history. Manchester United Because any week you can just sit around on the sofa and see your situation get better and better, you've got to be pretty happy. BAD WEEK...  ChelseaBecause call us old-fashioned but MTW just doesn't believe you deserve to win the league if Jermaine Beckford manages to score against you. England 2018 bid Because any time you make the UK's Eurovision performances look respectable something has gone seriously wrong. West Ham Because they are just really, really irredeemably bad, aren't they? |
Gerard Houllier
Gerard Houllier might be a Kop idol for his time as manager of the club, but — ahead of his return to Anfield with Aston Villa — he still managed to drop another bomb that will have Reds fans crying into their Europa League route planners.
Houllier revealed he wanted to sign a young Cristiano Ronaldo, but the club refused to break their pay structure for the wavy haired young winger.
"I saw him in the Toulon Under-21 tournament and we went for him, but we had a wage scale and we weren’t paying the sort of salary he wanted,” Houllier told the Daily Mail.
"Then Manchester United played a friendly against Sporting Lisbon and all their boys said to Sir Alex Ferguson, ‘You have to sign him’."
Just another reason for Liverpool fans to go away and light themselves on fire. It's a wonder any of them are even left by now.
The football fan doth protest too much
Prime Minister David Cameron
Off the back of a failed World Cup bid (screw you, Fifa), PM Cameron turned his attention to a Premier League accumulator.
Some of his predictions proved to be pretty accurate (he got both Arsenal's 2-1 win against Fulham and Sunderland's 1-0 win against West Ham spot on, for example) but one in particular stands out — Liverpool 0 Aston Villa 6.
Cameron is on record as a Villa fan, but even so his prediction seems a bit outlandish, something he thinks a Villa fan would say rather than what they actually would say.
More worryingly, however, knowing the man's propensity for cuts it would seem likely his scoreline started out even more outlandish than that...
Gerard Houllier might be a Kop idol for his time as manager of the club, but — ahead of his return to Anfield with Aston Villa — he still managed to drop another bomb that will have Reds fans crying into their Europa League route planners.
Houllier revealed he wanted to sign a young Cristiano Ronaldo, but the club refused to break their pay structure for the wavy haired young winger.
"I saw him in the Toulon Under-21 tournament and we went for him, but we had a wage scale and we weren’t paying the sort of salary he wanted,” Houllier told the Daily Mail.
"Then Manchester United played a friendly against Sporting Lisbon and all their boys said to Sir Alex Ferguson, ‘You have to sign him’."
Just another reason for Liverpool fans to go away and light themselves on fire. It's a wonder any of them are even left by now.
The football fan doth protest too much
Prime Minister David Cameron
Off the back of a failed World Cup bid (screw you, Fifa), PM Cameron turned his attention to a Premier League accumulator.
Some of his predictions proved to be pretty accurate (he got both Arsenal's 2-1 win against Fulham and Sunderland's 1-0 win against West Ham spot on, for example) but one in particular stands out — Liverpool 0 Aston Villa 6.
Cameron is on record as a Villa fan, but even so his prediction seems a bit outlandish, something he thinks a Villa fan would say rather than what they actually would say.
More worryingly, however, knowing the man's propensity for cuts it would seem likely his scoreline started out even more outlandish than that...
Quote of the weekend (Part II)
"He should be called Mothercare, because no-one sells better dummies."
- Tony Cascarino, on Samir Nasri
- Tony Cascarino, on Samir Nasri
And an FYI, Carlos Tevez says if you buy dummies for the purpose of spitting them out you are actually better off going to Marks & Spencer.
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