Goals worth two, four and six points and Pepsi's T20 "football" rules?

Goal.com take a satirical and biting look at Pepsi's T20 'football' format and wonders if they really do want to 'Change the Game'
a. Teams must consist of a maximum of 7 players, inclusive of a team captain - Because obviously the captain does not count as a player first, so they have to make it clear
b. Maximum of 5 players per team on the court: Minimum of 4 players required for competition, in case of lesser than 4 players then the match will be awarded to the opposition with a 0:3 score line - Because, of course, that's the scoreline you lose a game by when you quit a game in FIFA on Manager Mode. How imaginative...
c. Substitution will only be permitted during half time or in the event of an injury - What a funny rule. How will other players 'change the game' then?

Duration of Matches
a. Games will be 15 minutes of running time with two 7.5-minute halves with a 5 minute half-time break - Because of course football will be more exciting if teams don't have enough time to score goals!
b. Games may be shortened to make up for any delays in the schedule. Teams will be notified at the beginning of the match or during half time - Quite obviously. They need to complete the games so that they can sell more aerated drinks to more tired teams. You know what we are hinting at, right?!

Other Rules
a. Start:

We don't have all day. I don't even have ONE day...can we start?

i. The match starts when the referee tosses the ball between two facing players in the center of the pitch into the court - We assume that the fine folks thought it would be more exciting to have a basketball rule in place...
ii. When a goal is scored, the team that has conceded the goal receives the ball and the goalkeeper is allowed to bring the ball back into play immediately after the referees' whistle - Of course, speed up the game. Faster is always better, right? No need to check out where your players are.

b. Goalkeeper Rules:

Why can't I score? Ask them!
i. The goalkeeper may NOT score goals - Because of the very realistic fear that India might produce the next Paul Robinson and die of shame.
ii. The goalkeeper is NOT allowed to leave the penalty area - As there is the permanent danger of him wanting to take a stroll and observe everyone playing.
iii. If a goalkeeper leaves the penalty area, the goal keeper's team loses possession and a free kick is awarded to the opposing team from the center (mid-point) of the pitch. - Because it is a sin of the highest order to have the ball when your goalkeeper is strolling about.
iv. The goalkeeper must not hold the ball longer than five seconds in his penalty area ("playing for time") - Finally! A rule somewhat resembling a football rule!
v. When restarting play, the goalkeeper must distribute the ball from his hands underarm (below shoulder height). If the goalkeeper does not distribute the ball underarm, a free kick will be awarded to the other team at the center (mid-point) of the pitch - Because, obviously, T20 football has to include a gully cricket rule. This is India, friends!
vi. The pass back rule applies. If a goalkeeper picks the ball up with his hands after receiving a pass back from a team mate the other team is awarded a penalty - Another one resembling a football rule! That makes a grand total of two!

c. Goal points (Normal and Bonus):

i. Scoring in the goal nets (normal goals) are worth two points - Because football is a game of points, right?
ii. Two circles in the field will be marked as Pepsi zones - (and will obviously be full of empty Pepsi bottles to make it more challenging to play in there)
1. Any goal scored directly from a team's own 'Pepsi zone' will be worth six points - This rule applies for Xabi Alonso only.
2. Any goal scored directly from the opposing team's 'Pepsi zone' will be worth four points - And this one applies for David Beckham.

d. Rules for Penalty Area:

Who says that I shouldn't defend?! Just ask Dani Alves

i. Outfield players must not enter the penalty area. This rule applies to both attacking and the defending team players - Because where's the fun of crossing the ball and beating a defender to put it in goal? THAT'S football? Pah!
ii. If an outfield player from the defending team enters his own team's penalty area, the other team receives a penalty - Because it's an equally great crime to want to defend. Did I hear someone say something like 'Chelsea!'?
iii. If a player from the attacking team enters the opposing team's penalty area, the opposing team receives a free kick from the center (mid-point) of the pitch - Because close range goals are the worst thing you can see in football.

Remember this, anyone?
e. One Player always in Opposition Half:

i. At least one player must remain in the opposition half of play. If an entire team is in it's own half, a foul will be awarded against the team at fault and the ball will be awarded to the opposing goal keeper to being back into play via an underhand ground roll - So that you can't park the bus. It's bad for "T20 football" if players learn to defend.

f. Time-wasting:

i. The referee can award a Free kick against a team which is persistently time-wasting after the team has been first warned about its conduct. (For example, stepping on the ball for more than five secs) - THREE (close-to-being) football rules! We're on a roll here!

g. Penalty Kicks: A penalty for the opposing team is given when

i. A player from the defending team enters his own team's penalty area - YES! The first commandment being that thou shalt not defend thy goal area!
ii. A team passes back three times in a row directly to their own goalkeeper with the intention of time wasting (without a player from the opposing team having had the chance to touch the ball). The referee is free to judge the situation/circumstances of the time wasting offence and take a decision on the spot - Yes. We just know how infallible referees are. Anyone wondering if Howard Webb will be officiating?
iii. If the goalkeeper holds the ball longer than five seconds in his penalty area ("playing for time") - Didn't they mention this somewhere before? Confused blokes!
iv. If the goalkeeper picks up the ball with his hands when he receives a back pass from a player on his own team - They mentioned this before too.
v. Due to foul play in front of the goal area - Because everyone is supposed to know what 'foul play' might be. Whether it is tying your shoelace in front of the goalkeeper or threatening him with a gun, keep guessing...
vi. A penalty shot should be taken only by one player from the attacking team and more than one player cannot team up to take the penalty shot. - Because we see two players taking penalty kicks all the time in football.
vii. Active players (except the goalkeepers) from both the teams are required to line up behind the player taking the penalty kick. - Remember, they cannot leave the penalty area! Otherwise this penalty will have to stopped to give the other team a free-kick. Don't look at me. I'm directly interpreting the rules...

Any other way of seeing this?
viii. A penalty kick must be taken towards the goal. If the ball moves backwards from the goal the penalty is lost and the goalkeeper (who faced the penalty shot) receives the ball to restart play - Of course EVERYONE will want to shoot at their own keeper all the way on the other side of the pitch and claim they scored. Brilliant rule, this one.
ix. A penalty shot rebounding off the post/goal keeper cannot be retaken and the rebounding ball cannot be kicked by players of either team. The ball will be given to the goalkeeper (who faced the penalty shot) to restart play - Because we aren't all Liverpool in the hitting-the-post aspect.

h. Free Kicks:

i. All free kicks are indirect. All players of the opposing team must be a minimum of one meter from the ball when a free kick is being taken - Although we don't mind you blocking the entire penalty perimeter with bodies. As long as you keep off it. Otherwise it's a free-kick. Didn't you read the rules?!
ii. The referee awards a free kick for:
1. All fouls on the field except for any offence, which is seen as a "penalty offence" - WOW. No one was going to guess THAT one.
2. If a player seeks to gain an advantage by holding the perimeter board/fence - This rule is in place only for Spider-Man. Please ignore if you have not been bitten by a radioactive spider...

i. Out Balls:

If a ball goes out of play and escapes the playing area, the opposing team's goalkeeper will receives the ball to roll back into play
- Could this be? They're following the concept of... of a... of a GOAL-KICK! Only no kicking...

To remind you what we're talking about... T20. And Football?!

j. Fouls:

i. In the event of a foul or unfair play the referee may judge as follows:
1. Yellow card (one minute time exclusion): For foul play a player will be excluded from the match for 1 (one) minute during which time the team has to play with one less player. A player given a yellow card will be sent off for one minute and not allowed back on. After one minute has elapsed the player given the yellow card will be replaced by another player from the team - Because a modified ice-hockey rule has to join a basketball rule to make it more 'exciting'.

All I see is the colour red.
2. Red card (match penalty): for serious foul play a player is excluded from the rest of the match. The team has to play with one less player for the remainder of the match. A red card will only be given for serious foul play, violent conduct or abuse of the referee. The player will be sent off immediately and not be allowed back during the game. No replacement player will be allowed on. The same applies to coaches. Each evening the organizers will decide what action to take against the player or coach. Sanctions include suspension from future games - Wait. Coaches can get red-carded? I rest my case.
ii. In case the goalkeeper is sent off (temporarily in case of a Yellow card and for full duration of the game in case of a Red card), the affected team may convert one of the on-field players into a goalkeeper for the period of expulsion - Ah! Times like this you want to have John O'Shea on your team...
iii. When a goalkeeper comes back into the cage (after serving the expulsion period), he/she will be allowed to resume his previous role - Because no one would think that a goalkeeper would go back to being a goalkeeper.
k. Exclusion from the tournament for a team:
i. If rules are seriously breached (heavy foul play, foul play on purpose, unacceptable behaviour on the court towards the referees, the audience or other players), one player or a team can be excluded from the tournament. If a whole team is excluded from the tournament then all the matches played or scheduled to be played by that team will be awarded to the opposition with a 0:3 score line - (And they can sit and grumble and drink more Pepsi...)
l. Referees:
i. Each match will have three referees. Two referees will be positioned at either end of the playing court. The senior referee will be free to move around as he or she sees fit - Hmm. Looks like they took the most useless rule from UEFA's book of the 'two officials behind the goal-line' and just HAD to implement it...

Other Conditions

Don't they know who I am?
a. All players must bring along their valid identification cards or passports on the day of the tournament for verification purposes - Yes. David Villa will not be allowed to play pretending to be Shubranshu Mondal (Imagined name. Any resemblance to anyone is purely coincidental)
b. Team Manager/Official/Captain will undertake to submit their team line-up form to the presiding Tournament Official for all matches at least 30 minutes before the scheduled time of play. Teams will concede a walkover, if they fail to turn up final minutes after the scheduled time of play, unless they have valid reasons, wherein the decision of the Organizers will be final - Perhaps the only rule that makes perfect sense here.
c. Each team should have at least two sets of contrasting (colour) shorts. The first named team on the fixture will ensure that their shorts contrast in colour to those of their opponents. All players are also required to wear shin guards at all times during play - They follow up one necessary rule with another. Good show! Two necessary rules of around 50.
d. Any form of rough play, un-gentlemanly and unsportsmanlike conduct is strictly forbidden - Yes, we just have to wait for a team full of budding de Jongs to come in.
e. The Team Managers/Officials/Captains will be responsible to monitor and ensure that their player/s under suspension are not fielded for subsequent matches, failing which the team may be disqualified - Hmm. Good rule. Quite honestly, knowing India, some would try just that.

Why always me? I don't know.
f. Team supporters will not question the decision of the referee. Sideline coaching/instructions are NOT allowed. If supporters continue with bad language/sideline coaching and attempt to distract the Referee from the game, the Referee will ask the Team Manager/Official/Captain to restrain their supporters. If this appeal is not heeded, the Referee will warn the Team Manager/Official/Captain that this is a breach of the tournament rules and that disciplinary action will be taken against the team - "Don't tell us that we didn't warn you!" Taken quite literally.
g. In this case, the Referee reserves the right to default the infringing team, abandon the game and submit a report to the organizers for a decision - I can just imagine a referee saying "WHAT did you call me? That's it! Game over." Isn't this placing too much power on the referee?
h. If, for any reasons a match could not be played, the match may be rescheduled at the discretion of the organizer - Or so you can hope. This is India, my friends. Reschedule? Hah!
i. No weapons, alcohol or illicit substances will be permitted at any premises or during any part of the Competition - Are you listening, Balotelli?
j. Participant shall comply with these terms and conditions and waives any right to claim ambiguity in these terms and conditions and release, indemnify and hold harmless Organizer and its respective affiliates, advertising and promotion agencies, and its respective agents, representatives, officers, directors and employees from and against any injuries, losses, damages, claims, actions, or any liability of any kind resulting from or arising from this Programme - And suddenly they make it illegal to find fault with these. Whoops. It's a good thing I'm not playing...

Seriously... what was I even thinking?

If THIS is the changed game, I think the whole country would be much less confused if they stuck to the original, excitement-every-second 90-minute format of the game. Viva la football, don't you agree?

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