The hipster-propelled Bundesliga leaves La Liga in its soon-to-be-monopolistic wake while Robin van Persie's inner child gets bored and there's humanitarian chaos in Uruguay
We'll all be speaking German soon
The Germans are coming. No, hang on, they're here, slightly ahead of schedule. Bow down before your new overlords.
The hipsters, of course, already knew that this was on the way. For years now they have roamed the streets of the internet with cardboard signs proclaiming that 'thë ënd ïs nïgh!' hung over the top of their 'What Would Andrea Pirlo Do?' T-shirts and skinny jeans.
Time to start watching the Bundesliga?
|Tickets so cheap it's probably more affordable to commute by plane to every game than it is to follow Arsenal
|Fan-owned teams like St Pauli, a club built on tolerance and flying the Jolly Roger, rather than soul-sellers who change historic kit colours for cash
|Even if the commentators are speaking utter bilge, the language barrier will make them several factors better than Jamie Redknapp or Alan Hansen
|Stakes so thrillingly high that grown men will bite each other to further the cause of victory and glory
But that's OK. The hipsters can all go and enjoy the many and varied delights of the Latvian Virsliga now; we'll take good care of the Bundesliga, thank you for seeing it through to us in such good condition.
The new German uberteams will come as a great relief for more casual fans bored of the dominance of La Liga.
Annoyed by Barcelona's insistence on tiki-taka becoming more evangelistic in indirect proportion to how well it is working? Watch Bayern Munich slaughter all comers like a rampaging minotaur in a rabbit hutch! Interested in Real Madrid's punchier counterattacks but put off by the irksome Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo? Watch Dortmund do it better and friendlier!
Bored of a constant duopoly between the top two clubs? No worries; next year it'll be a monopoly after Bayern gut the BVB roster like a dead, German fish and whip the Bundesliga into total, resounding compliance. At this rate, die Roten will have signed Mario Gotze, Robert Lewandowski and even Paul Lambert by the end of the month just to be safe.
On second thoughts... tell us more about FC Daugava.
"Here comes the aeroplane... open wide..."
"When I have to make tough decisions in my life I listen to the little boy inside me. That little boy was screaming 'Manchester United'." So spoke Robin van Persie when he signed at Old Trafford.
Nearly a year later, the Dutchman was plucking a volley directly from heaven and depositing it past Brad Guzan to seal his first ever Premier League title. "We did it, kiddo! We're champions!" he told the child.
The boy shuffled awkwardly. Van Persie's smile wobbled. "Hey, chin up," he ventured. "I thought this was what you wanted."
|Julio Cesar's rejected excuses for wearing a Chelsea shirt at David Luiz's birthday party
|"Mr Redknapp, you've so successfully ingrained a winning mentality at this club that I grabbed the shirt with the most trophies to its name by instinct"
|"I thought that, if I were seen wearing a Chelsea shirt, the Premier League might get confused and relegate them instead of us"
|"That's just what I look like topless"
|"Are we not all one species? One heart? No matter what colour, all our shirts are of the same team: Humanity"
|"I was going to take it home and sell it on eBay to help pay off the mountains of debt into which we are about to plunge"
|"NO, DON'T TAKE IT AWAY! PLEASE LET ME PRETEND JUST A LITTLE WHILE LONGER"
Van Persie stared blankly at him for a moment. Then his face went as red as his shirt. "Fine?" he spat. "Football's 'fine'? Do you know how much money I turned down at Manchester City? I probably would have had enough to actually build your stupid suit of armour if I'd known that's what you'd have wanted!"
"Sorry." The boy shrugged again. "Can I have an ice cream now?"
It's a jungle out there
As Brendan Rodgers ambitiously tried to explain that Luis Suarez had simultaneously "not let me down" and "fallen way below standards" on Thursday, he remarked that the Liverpool forward had bitten Branislav Ivanovic because he "grew up in a country where he learned survival".
If you wouldn't mind WWLTW asking, Brendan, when exactly was the last time that you visited Uruguay? Was it the cretaceous period?
Of course, this column is not one to doubt the Reds boss. After all, he is absolutely right. That's why we see Edinson Cavani often stop during Napoli games to rub two sticks together on the penalty spot to keep warm. That's why Maxi Pereira is never seen rampaging down the right flank without his makeshift spear and blowgun.
Why has nobody told us before now how serious the situation is in Uruguay? Why are we wasting our money giving to charities for the blind and the elderly when humans are eating other humans in South America, brother biting brother just to stay alive? If football has a soul, let us unite under the tragic figure of Suarez and act at once.
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