Worst complaint ever
Sir Alex Ferguson
"They gave us four minutes [of stoppage time], that's an insult to the game," said Sir Alex Ferguson after Manchester United's 3-2 loss to Tottenham.
Yes, you read that correctly. "...said Sir Alex Ferguson". THAT Sir Alex Ferguson. Complaining about a lack of injury time. An insult to the game? To our collective intelligences, more like.
On football's grand scale of hypocrisy, this is as if Jamie Redknapp were to pedantically pick holes in an ITV commentator's simile.
Imagine Roman Abramovich protesting that Manchester City spend too much on transfers. Or Arsene Wenger having a go at an opposing manager for fielding too many young players in the League Cup. Or Tito Vilanova criticising a refereeing decision going against Barcelona – oh wait, that actually happened too! Jesus wept.
United were certainly pushing hard for an equaliser but, the state in which they were at the end of the game, it is hard to see just how they would have profited from an extra 60 seconds for Nani to blast another rocket-propelled shot into Row Z.
In the space of 60 seconds, the opinion-dividing Uruguayan shot hilariously wide from a super-easy position before stealing the ball back and fizzing it home like nobody's business. He will never, ever have a more self-defining minute in his professional career than that.
You can stick your Peter Crouch; the Palermo skipper's mind-blowing volleyed goal from just outside the centre circle was the best strike of 2012.
Paying a great striker the wages of a first-team regular and keeping him on the bench for basically an entire season just to wind him up enough to bring him on against Fulham and grab a goal within a minute? Well planned, Bobby M. Well planned.
MTW has some tactical advice for you, Sir Alex. Perhaps if you put out a team who started playing in the first minute rather than the 46th, you wouldn't need to rely on your ubiquitous 'Fergie time'. Just a thought, eh?
Chicken finally cooked
Roughly 10 months after it should have happened, Steve Kean was finally "forced to resign" (what he's trying to say is "sacked") by Blackburn on Friday.
Despite being the sort of man who gets caught on video drunkenly slagging off his predecessor, Kean has remained something of an enigmatic figure. It has been very hard to understand what his motivation for staying in the job all this time had been until now.
After all, the Rovers fans were treating him as if he had killed their pet hamster. The Rovers board were acting like the sort of idiots who might have killed said animal by first absent-mindedly sitting on it then trying to repair the damage by putting it in the toaster "in case it helped".
MTW's only conclusion is that Kean must really, really love chicken puns. There can be no other explanation.
If so, the odd Scot has this column's sympathies. He may somehow find himself a new job but he'll nugget any better hen jokes than at Ewood Park.
Well, except maybe at Zimbabwe's Chicken Inn FC. They're flying high in the Zimbabwe Premier Soccer League, though - fourth place as it stands - so are unlikely to be hiring any time soon. Tough luck, Steve.
Does MTW need a reason?
Quote of the weekend
"The eight years came from Mike Ashley. I never got to the point of talking about how long I wanted the contract for. He spoke to me about eight years - and I thought: 'OK!'"
– Alan Pardew: An opportunist.
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R. Ferdinand, Manchester
Looks like Gareth Bale was not the only one to completely bypass Rio's security measures this weekend.
The worst offender as Norwich City self-destructed against Liverpool. At times offered up the sort of terrible defending about which Alan Hansen probably thinks to make sure that he goes the full 90 minutes with a lady.
Two goals conceded from set-pieces by Arsenal. Bring back Pat Rice!
The Sunderland physio
The Black Cats finally got a win on Saturday against Wigan but still their only player to have scored in the Premier League so far is Steven Fletcher. Nobody deserves the amount of pressure now on the shoulders of whichever poor sap is tasked with keeping Martin O'Neill's lucky charm fit and healthy.
EA Sports' run-up to releasing the much-anticipated Fifa 13 was even slower than Nani taking a penalty.
On and on and on the publicity campaign went. This year's player ratings were debated endlessly and people inexplicably got excited about who was going to be on the cover (as if a picture of Joe Hart was going to be a reason either way to buy the game or not).
And do not even get MTW started about the lunatic fanboys who queued up outside supermarkets to get this year's iteration of basically the same product at midnight on the dot. These people's better halves are about to leave them en masse; not for playing Fifa too much but for having proved themselves irretrievable dunderheads.
That said, the game is pretty good. You know, it does what you expect. Improved defending: check. Beefed-up career mode: check. Enhanced commentary: check.
MTW finds it just a little bit conservative, though. Staid. Stuck in its ways. This column has therefore drafted a short list of more significant changes that it recommends are implemented in Fifa 14. You can have these for free, EA*.
1) A pre-match handshake feature. Each player should have their own 'Controversy' rating which affects how likely opponents are to shake their hand, while you should be able to decide to snub your opponent. When a snub occurs, the AI's tackling during the game that follows should get correspondingly more aggressive, proportional to the 'Controversy' rating of the snub-ee.
2) Crossovers with other sports. The ability to select Sebastian Vettel in his Formula 1 vehicle up front would represent an interesting new dynamic. On one hand, he would add plenty of pace to the front line, but sitting down in a car would make headers a weakness. Plus there would be the effects on the condition of the pitch to consider. A world of possibilities.
3) Paintball mode. Goldeneye 007 on the Nintendo 64 was made immeasurably better when you could set your gun to fire paintballs. Do something similar for Fifa, somehow, anyhow.
*Please give MTW a free copy of Fifa 13, EA. Please.