Mario Balotelli in a mankini & Wayne Rooney on a horse – a weekend in Manchester with City and United out of the FA Cup

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Luckily for Tevez he is only the second most unwanted man in the country at the moment after radical cleric Abu Qatada’s release from prison earlier this week. Although, don’t expect the former United striker to hang around long. The 28-year-old is likely to nip back to Argentina to elaborate on the horrors of suffering under Mancini’s reign.

Michael Owen – Apart from the unsavoury news that Wayne Rooney has stolen Switcharooney from his stables, it will be a few days just like any other for Owen – involving some relatively poor Twitter banter, a few casual bets and a weekend involving very little football.

Owen Hargreaves – see above.

Roberto Mancini – When questioned after being spotted in the street screaming expletives at a 10-year-old Manchester City fan who has purchased a ‘Tevez’ shirt from the club shop, the Italian’s English will all of sudden become patchy as he insists there is ‘eeeehhh, no problem with, uhhhh, Carlos’

Patrice Evra – Still recovering from the ‘emotional week’ that followed Luis Suarez’s handshake snub, Evra will indulge in a few more days of hiding out – possibly huddled in a dark room with blacked out windows where the only place the Uruguayan can still get to him is in his mind.

Rio Ferdinand – The 33-year-old will hazily return home from a long stay over in Amsterdam with some freshly-healed clogs for his ‘little men’.

Dimitar Berbatov – The elegant Bulgarian could probably be found dressed in a silk smoking jacket enjoying an afternoon of thinly rolled cigarettes and Darjeeling tea by the lawn while discussing the plight of Syria with fellow intellect Vincent Kompany, who enjoys a good tweet on the perils of President Assad’s rule.

Samir Nasri – The Frenchman continues to get his fair share of stick from the Arsenal faithful, and particularly club jester Emmanuel Frimpong.

Sick to the eyeballs of criticism from the Gunners, and with the north London outfit once again floundering alongside that old friend crisis, the midfielder will pounce on the perfect time to exact his revenge.

After purchasing a seat behind the dugout at the Stadium of Light for Arsenal’s FA Cup clash with Sunderland, Nasri will spend the entire game hurling abuse at Arsene Wenger before revealing a suit full of cash which he then litters over the Arsenal bench and departs with a middle finger salute. Admittedly, highly unlikely.

Sir Alex Ferguson – The Scotsman will enjoy a nice bottle of red wine and pretend he is back in the year 2000 and his side have voluntarily opted out of the FA Cup.

Paul Scholes – Having overshadowed the third round with his sudden retirement U-turn prior to the win at Manchester City, what are the chances everyone’s favourite carrot top once again steals the limelight and announces he’s back and available for England duty over the weekend?

Wayne Rooney - Wazza will be up early at the crack of dawn, pulling on his cow-skin waistcoat and Cuban-heeled boots before making his way up into the Cheshire countryside to pay a visit to new racehorse ‘Switcharooney’.

Although you can imagine the 26-year-old getting a bit overexcited and deciding to take his new mode of transport out for a spin – galloping through the streets of Manchester before possibly bustling into a local cinema and catching a showing of 'War Horse' with his new best pal.

David de Gea – With the Spaniard’s confidence remaining low, Sir Alex will order the 21-year-old to film a rocky-style montage but with a netball twist as the goalkeeper looks to improve his catching skills.

Micah Richards – Having fallen out of favour under Fabio Capello’s England tenure, Richards will take the opportunity to lobby interim coach and former Manchester City boss Stuart Pearce to seal his Three Lions return for this month’s friendly with the Netherlands, which is due to be announced on Thursday.

Ryan Giggs – The brooding winger will make the most of his weekend in the way only he knows best - spending some quality time with the family of course! (and definitely not pushing the boundaries of promiscuity)

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