Fernando Torres to come out of Chelsea retirement & the 20 things to expect on Transfer Deadline Day

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In the meantime, Goal.com takes a look at the 20 things you can expect to see, and definitely not see, on deadline day.

1 - Fernando Torres will be sat at home in a Liverpool scarf as the one-year anniversary of his move to Chelsea dawns, hugging his knees & crying himself to sleep.

2 - Harry Redknapp will attempt to sign 17 players at half-time during Tottenham’s clash with Wigan, before presenting Roberto Martinez with a black carrier bag full of cash in a swift exchange for Victor Moses. The 64-year-old will then make a mad dash to the club’s training ground for that last-minute interview with Sky Sports News on potential transfers, only to inform us once again that ‘the chairman sorts all that’.

3 – Cesc Fabregas finally completes his long awaited moved to Barce...oh, wait.

4 – Despite being relieved of his managerial duties two weeks ago, Neil Warnock will still be trying to tie up deals for players in a drunken haze as he drowns his sorrows at 10.53pm.

5 - Stoke City’s cretin brigade will be out in full force to welcome another mediocre signing to the Britannia, whooping and hollering on command as soon as the Sky Sports cameras begin to roll like a bunch of performing seals.

6 - Everyone will wonder why on earth football clubs still use fax machines to do their paperwork.

7 - Arsene Wenger will announce the signing of the latest 17-year-old prodigy that is set to guarantee the club’s future while revealing Andrey Arshavin has been handed a two-year contract extension, all from behind the safety of a sheet of bullet proof glass.

8 - Kia Joorabchian purchases a 15% stake in the January transfer window, and insists that Carlos Tevez can play for which ever Premier League team he wants on a game-to-game basis.

9 - WAGs up and down the country will be hampering our thirst for transfer business by saying "but I don't want to move to Stoke."

10 - In a desperate attempt to wheedle some transfer funds out of Bill Kenwright's enterprises, David Moyes takes to London's West End with a 'Hungry and Playerless' sign and a bucket to collect for the club’s coffers, before finally realising the only way he can sign Nikica Jelavic from Rangers is by wagering Tim Cahill in 15 rounds of winner-takes-all bare knuckle boxing with Ally McCoist. McCoist politely refuses.

11 - Following in the footsteps of Manchester United’s Paul Scholes, Fernando Torres announces that he is coming out of retirement to play for Chelsea.

12 - The transfer window reveals that it is leaving January to sign for May. "I felt it was time for a new challenge, and the climate is much nicer," it will claim after putting pen to paper on a four-year deal.

13 - Tumbleweed passes through the offices of the Emirates Stadium, followed by Arsene Wenger's proclamations that he "did not see it", as Arsenal’s non-playing staff take their customary two-week break through the transfer window.

14 – Brian Swanson is seen playing ‘Angry Birds’ on the SkyPad with half an hour to go on deadline day, as even 'Sky Sources' run out of rumours. Jim White will then sneakily have a go on the touchscreen monitor, before getting all confused and accidently lodging a £5 million bid for Giovani dos Santos.

15 - No doubt social networking will strike down one unlucky soul, as the most peculiar looking fan becomes a hot topic on Twitter after some heartless individual snaps them lingering behind David Craig on television.

16 - The country unites in celebration as Carlos Tevez finally departs British shores for the next club to be duped by the world’s most expensive mercenary. Disaster strikes though, as a completely unexpected and out-of-the-blue hitch scuppers the deal, and we’re forced to endure another five months of the horrid little imp.

17 – That friend you thought you knew fairly well turns out to be a massive pillock, when revealing that their cousin/cleaner/dog works at Club X's training ground and has seen Andy Carroll/Luka Modric/their dog arrive for a medical.

18 – Mark Hughes to use the phrase "good business".

19 – Chris Samba sits down for discussions with Venky's dressed as Colonel Sanders in his latest attempt to secure a move away from Blackburn Rovers, before citing the Human Rights Act to prevent his persecution at Ewood Park.

20 – Absolutely nothing. The FA will kick back and relax having sneakily scheduled five Premier League fixtures for the evening of deadline day, just to make sure everyone gets home in time for a late night kebab and a bit of Babestation – the perfect end to any transfer window.

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