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Mock the Weekend: QPR are so bad they made Michael Carrick look like Lionel Messi
The Manchester United man dribbled from the halfway line to stroke home, while Jonathan Woodgate put in one of the worst performances by a professional footballer ever
19 Dec 2011 08:00:00
Getty Images
By Nick Price
Best Lionel Messi impression
Michael Carrick (Manchester United)
The oft-derided midfielder showed that he's not just about sideways passes and half-heartedly covering ground with a composed and classy display in the win over QPR, and capped it off with a virtuoso solo goal reminiscent of the Argentine wizard.
Well, it was and it wasn't.
The England man received the ball after Joey Barton carelessly passed it in his direction on the halfway line and though he did dribble a full 40 yards, he was allowed to get himself into a shooting position at a snail's pace and without a single challenge being made to him. And his shot, slapped low, hardly had enough zip or spin on it to trouble Radek Cerny, but somehow the Czech – who had been having a supernaturally good game up to that point – let it slip through his grasp and in at his near post. Whoops.
All the same, hats off to Carrick for showing that he isn't the most uninspiring midfielder to regularly turn out for a title-winning team. That honour now belongs to John Obi Mikel.
Best managerial decision of the weekend
Tony Pulis taking off Jonathan Woodgate
When the defender made his debut for Real Madrid six years ago, he scored a ridiculous own goal and was sent off on 65 minutes – telling reporters on his way out of the Bernabeu: "F*** me, what a debut!" Quite.
The centre-half has since moved to the treatment tables at Middlesbrough and Tottenham before joining Stoke City over the summer, for whom he has turned out some indifferent performances. On Saturday, the veteran crock topped (or should that be plummeted the depths of professional football?) his night of shame in Spain with a display so appallingly bad that he was taken off not even halfway through the first half.
Woodgate, whose legs must now be so fragile that a gust of wind could snap a tendon, was turned inside out by Matt Jarvis at Wolves, earning a yellow for a cynical foul on the winger before doing just the same but in the box, with only the mercy of referee Anthony Taylor saving him from a deserved second booking.
But he was to be given an early bath though as Pulis, like the thousands at Molineux agape at the centre-halves' horror show, realised he was having an absolute stinker and hooked him off for an early bath (and, if MTW was in charge, a hefty fine for being so goddamn awful).
Most overdue apology
Nicklas Bendtner (Sunderland)
The striker had been arrested alongside the thoroughly charming Lee 'more fouls than passes in a game' Cattermole last week for vandalising cars while on a booze-fuelled night down the town and followed that up by causing a scene in a Copenhagen pizzeria when he angrily and arrogantly belittled staff who refused to let him walk out of the restaurant without paying.
Having realised that he had made a right royal pillock of himself, the Dane wrote an open letter to a newspaper in his homeland apologising for being a monumental moron in recent weeks.
MTW would argue he's been an idiot for several years now, what with his stupid haircuts and those toe-curling pink boots, and should probably have asked for forgiveness and stopped acting like a child many moons ago.
Least ambitious manager
Andre Villas-Boas (Chelsea)
Having ended Manchester City's unbeaten run with a fine performance full of vigour the week before, a trip to the DW Stadium – where the Blues plundered six goals past a hapless Wigan last season – surely should have been viewed as nothing other than an easy win for the Portuguese manager.
And they would have had that had they not decided to sit back and relax on a one-goal lead, with that lack of ambition coming to bite the boss on his backside.
"We could maybe have tried to go for the second goal but we decided to try to hold onto the first and exploit the space in behind," he explained, as though his team were playing a menacingly tough opponent and not one of the league's poorest and most porous teams.
However, MTW has sympathy with Villas-Boas seeing as he would have come away with a win had Petr Cech not embarrassed himself with a ridiculous mistake that allowed Jordi Gomez to tap in a late equaliser.
Perhaps the goalkeeper needs to loosen the grips on his helmet as it seems to be restricting the flow of blood to his brain and causing him to make some monumentally stupid decisions.
Best one-goal game of the season
Manchester City 1-0 Arsenal
Seventeen attempts on target, 10 corners, Samir Nasri getting jeered with every touch, the home fans goading the travelling support by calling them their feeder club, great saves, one scruffy goal and non-stop end-to-end action – another Super Sunday that lived up to the billing.
Most pointless competition
Club World Cup
A glorified Community Shield played on the other side of the world solely to make Fifa and its sponsors a bit of money through the lean months.
The multi-billion pound Large Hadron Collider, the greatest piece of scientific equipment in the history of the planet, is capable of measuring subatomic particles faster than the speed of light, but even it could not detect MTW's interest in this jumped-up friendly competition.
Fantasy hero
Bryan Ruiz (Fulham)
The Costa Rican came over all Eric Cantona with an audacious yet nonchalant lob over Jussi Jaaskelainen that hit the back of the net just as it hit the ground – perfect stuff.
Fantasy zero
Jonathan Woodgate (Stoke City)
For reasons outlined above, there can be no other competition for this booby prize this week.
Quote of the weekend
Best Lionel Messi impression
Michael Carrick (Manchester United)
The oft-derided midfielder showed that he's not just about sideways passes and half-heartedly covering ground with a composed and classy display in the win over QPR, and capped it off with a virtuoso solo goal reminiscent of the Argentine wizard.
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Well, it was and it wasn't.
The England man received the ball after Joey Barton carelessly passed it in his direction on the halfway line and though he did dribble a full 40 yards, he was allowed to get himself into a shooting position at a snail's pace and without a single challenge being made to him. And his shot, slapped low, hardly had enough zip or spin on it to trouble Radek Cerny, but somehow the Czech – who had been having a supernaturally good game up to that point – let it slip through his grasp and in at his near post. Whoops.
All the same, hats off to Carrick for showing that he isn't the most uninspiring midfielder to regularly turn out for a title-winning team. That honour now belongs to John Obi Mikel.
Best managerial decision of the weekend
Tony Pulis taking off Jonathan Woodgate
When the defender made his debut for Real Madrid six years ago, he scored a ridiculous own goal and was sent off on 65 minutes – telling reporters on his way out of the Bernabeu: "F*** me, what a debut!" Quite.
The centre-half has since moved to the treatment tables at Middlesbrough and Tottenham before joining Stoke City over the summer, for whom he has turned out some indifferent performances. On Saturday, the veteran crock topped (or should that be plummeted the depths of professional football?) his night of shame in Spain with a display so appallingly bad that he was taken off not even halfway through the first half.
Woodgate, whose legs must now be so fragile that a gust of wind could snap a tendon, was turned inside out by Matt Jarvis at Wolves, earning a yellow for a cynical foul on the winger before doing just the same but in the box, with only the mercy of referee Anthony Taylor saving him from a deserved second booking.
But he was to be given an early bath though as Pulis, like the thousands at Molineux agape at the centre-halves' horror show, realised he was having an absolute stinker and hooked him off for an early bath (and, if MTW was in charge, a hefty fine for being so goddamn awful).
Embarrassing | The hairband and the performance
| GOOD WEEKEND |
 Roman PavluychenkoThe Russian striker, who somehow wasn't kicked out in the summer, got his first Premier League goal of the season and stuck himself in the shop window with a functional display as a sub in the win over Sunderland. There'll be some roubles on the table for him come January. Samir Nasri Arsenal fans might have revelled in Manchester City's exit from the Champions League, but the midfielder had the last laugh with a solid display and a win against his former side, taking his new team back to the top of the table. Wayne Rooney The England man's summer hair transplant seems to be doing the job as it's given his headers some extra oomph. The Manchester United forward netted within a minute at Loftus Road in an easy win. |
| BAD WEEKEND |
 Joey BartonGave the ball away to allow Michael Carrick to walk the ball into the goal but at least admitted he was wrong after the game via Twitter with a rather embarrassing – par for the course – conceited message that he cocked up but would bounce back to prove his 'haters' wrong once again. No you won't, they will all still think you're a 'helmet' regardless of how you play, Joey. Bolton Owen Coyle's (a man who still hasn't come in for stick from his club's fans nor the media) side have now lost 13 of their 16 games this season and are five points from safety. A lump of coal for him this Christmas. Aston Villa Alex McLeish's teams are famed for their defensive strength – indeed, that's the only thing you could say they have been good at over the years – but Villa were dire against Liverpool and allowed the Reds to score twice from early corners before sitting back and doing sod all to get into the game. |
Nicklas Bendtner (Sunderland)
The striker had been arrested alongside the thoroughly charming Lee 'more fouls than passes in a game' Cattermole last week for vandalising cars while on a booze-fuelled night down the town and followed that up by causing a scene in a Copenhagen pizzeria when he angrily and arrogantly belittled staff who refused to let him walk out of the restaurant without paying.
Having realised that he had made a right royal pillock of himself, the Dane wrote an open letter to a newspaper in his homeland apologising for being a monumental moron in recent weeks.
MTW would argue he's been an idiot for several years now, what with his stupid haircuts and those toe-curling pink boots, and should probably have asked for forgiveness and stopped acting like a child many moons ago.
Least ambitious manager
Andre Villas-Boas (Chelsea)
Having ended Manchester City's unbeaten run with a fine performance full of vigour the week before, a trip to the DW Stadium – where the Blues plundered six goals past a hapless Wigan last season – surely should have been viewed as nothing other than an easy win for the Portuguese manager.
And they would have had that had they not decided to sit back and relax on a one-goal lead, with that lack of ambition coming to bite the boss on his backside.
"We could maybe have tried to go for the second goal but we decided to try to hold onto the first and exploit the space in behind," he explained, as though his team were playing a menacingly tough opponent and not one of the league's poorest and most porous teams.
However, MTW has sympathy with Villas-Boas seeing as he would have come away with a win had Petr Cech not embarrassed himself with a ridiculous mistake that allowed Jordi Gomez to tap in a late equaliser.
Perhaps the goalkeeper needs to loosen the grips on his helmet as it seems to be restricting the flow of blood to his brain and causing him to make some monumentally stupid decisions.
Best one-goal game of the season
Manchester City 1-0 Arsenal
Seventeen attempts on target, 10 corners, Samir Nasri getting jeered with every touch, the home fans goading the travelling support by calling them their feeder club, great saves, one scruffy goal and non-stop end-to-end action – another Super Sunday that lived up to the billing.
Most pointless competition
Club World Cup
A glorified Community Shield played on the other side of the world solely to make Fifa and its sponsors a bit of money through the lean months.
The multi-billion pound Large Hadron Collider, the greatest piece of scientific equipment in the history of the planet, is capable of measuring subatomic particles faster than the speed of light, but even it could not detect MTW's interest in this jumped-up friendly competition.
Neymar vs Messi | Why give a damn? It's only a friendly
Fantasy hero
Bryan Ruiz (Fulham)
The Costa Rican came over all Eric Cantona with an audacious yet nonchalant lob over Jussi Jaaskelainen that hit the back of the net just as it hit the ground – perfect stuff.
Fantasy zero
Jonathan Woodgate (Stoke City)
For reasons outlined above, there can be no other competition for this booby prize this week.
Quote of the weekend
"Have a wonderful night, enjoy the rest of today's sport whilst I go home, sit in a darkened room and go over that bad pass 80 times in tears."
– Joey Barton here. We're not sure whether he's being sarcastic or serious, but either way, he deserves to feel rotten for a night after allowing Michael sodding Carrick to saunter 40 yards and score.
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