BALOTELLI'S COMING HOME
Mario Balotelli strolls down the staircase of his Cheshire home, wearing a silk smoking jacket over his shoulders and just a tanga sparing his modesty. 'WHY NEVER ME?' is embossed on the front.
He looks around with a puzzled look on his face.
|MARIO'S TO-DO LIST
Humphrey, the loyal butler, scurries in from the kitchen, quickly finishing a sandwich and tucking his shirt in.
H: Yes sir, sorry sir. What can I do for you?
MB: Fetch the car for me, the Bentley. I'm going to training.
H: Dressed like that? Should you not put your training kit on? It's awfully cold to just be wearing underwear.
MB: Ahh someone will get me something to wear. They're very resourceful at City actually.
H: Well regardless sir, the Bentley is not in the garage. You left it in Liverpool yesterday when you heard there was a Greggs there that does the best lemon donuts in the country.
MB: Of course I did. I was very disappointed actually, they weren't up to the standard of Greggs in Chippenham.
H: Ah yes. The filling was excellently distributed if I recall?
MB: Yeah, right in the middle, not slightly to one side like you usually find. I hate eating around loads just to get a big dollop of sauce at the end. And it always ends up in my lap.
H: Truly a nightmare.
MB: But anyway, how did I make it home from the Greggs?
H: You hired a helicopter and flew that back, you said something about not needing the Bentley anymore as you are moving back to Milan, shouldn't you be worried about that?
MB: Of course! Yeah keep it on the hush, but I'm off to Italy. AC Milan are rubbish now apparently so I'll be an absolute hero there.
H: You did actually mention having a list of things you are yet to do before leaving Manchester. I think it's in your right pocket.
MB: Ah! Indeed it is! 'Sell Camo Bentley' hmm that might be an issue now. The police will probably bring it back though, they're kind like that.
H: They do have a track record... Sir, may I enquire, what is to become of me?
MB: You should come with me! I'll need someone to help me track how good Tiramisu is across the country!
H: If you say so...
|TODAY'S BIGGEST RUMOURS|
Sir Alex eyeing Valdes
Inter plot Dzeko swoop
Arsenal consider Wanyama
Louis Nicollin: "It doesn't bother me. We're not going to cry. He is not irreplaceable. The important thing is that we get money."
Decoded: "MUTLEYYY. DOOO SOMETHING!!"
Osvaldo Coloccini: "Fabricio is very anxious, he wants a definition, for better or for worse. I think it's time to return to San Lorenzo. We both desire the transfer."
Decoded: "Newcastle are absolutely rubbish now and Fab can't abide playing with Mike Williamson anymore. It's time to go home."
Alou Diarra: "With the current coach [Allardyce], it is impossible. There's no dialogue, no explanation. I have to go. At West Ham, I wasted my time."
Decoded: "I'm sick to the back teeth of the boss calling me 'Alan' and telling me to 'get ******* stuck in you *****' - I'm a France international for pity's sake."
Arsene Wenger on Wilfried Zaha: "We were never in for him, never."
Decoded: "Zaha had absolutely no interest in joining Arsenal once he heard a proper football club wanted to offer him a contract. Absolutely none."
Follow Matt Scott on