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Top 10 things to expect from AC Milan-Manchester United & Inter-Chelsea
Goal.com takes a light-hearted look at two Anglo-Italian ties…
| Bet: | Returns: | Cesena £55.00 | Draw £36.00 | AC Milan £15.50 |
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| Bet: | Returns: | Cesena £65.00 | Draw £36.00 | AC Milan £15.70 |
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| Bet: | Returns: | Cesena £55.00 | Draw £36.00 | AC Milan £16.15 |
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| Bet: | Returns: | Cesena £60.00 | Draw £36.00 | AC Milan £16.20 |
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| Bet: | Returns: | Cesena £52.00 | Draw £34.00 | AC Milan £16.20 |
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9 Feb 2010 14:00:00
By Carlo Garganese
Please note the below is satirical
10) Man Utd beat Milan at San Siro with Nani and Wayne Rooney running wild. After the game, United say that's what they usually do when facing a team funded by the Emirates. Silvio Berlusconi cancels the new sponsorship deal before the return leg and switches to LG, since Fulham did much better.
9) After Milan lose the first leg, vice president Adriano Galliani complains that if the ‘29-year-old’ Amantino Mancini hadn’t been cup-tied then the Rossoneri would have won.
8) Five-hundred Chelsea Headhunters cause havoc around Milan after spotting a podgy bald man they believe to be Tom Henning Ovrebo. The hooligans chase the man through Piazza Duomo until a local priest points out that it’s not Ovrebo but Galliani. ‘Uncle Fester’ electrocutes the gang.
7) Marcello Lippi attends Inter-Chelsea in order to check up on some Italian players for the national team. However, he is disappointed upon arrival when he learns that Sam Dalla Bona no longer plays for the Blues. “Oh well, hopefully Fabio Borini gets a few minutes at the end,” sighs Lippi.
6) Inter players' girlfriends and wives fly off to Antarctica in order to escape from John Terry. “We had to get away,” said the WAG spokeswoman. “He’s repulsive.”
5) Chelsea win, leading Inter coach Jose Mourinho to proclaim that it was his Chelsea side that won, not Carlo Ancelotti's. He also refuses to shake Carletto’s hand, and doesn’t speak to the Italian press for the remainder of the season.
4) Sulley Muntari doesn’t make the trip to London after losing his passport. It is later revealed that an Inter official hid the document deliberately in order to boost the Nerazzurri’s chances of winning.
3) For the 17th year in succession, English commentator David Pleat gets his political-geography all wrong. “Petr Cech and Marek Jankulovski are a real asset to Czechoslovakia,” says Pleat. “Portugal should be proud of Ronaldinho and Julio Cesar, as should the Holy Roman Empire of Michael Ballack.”
2) After Alexandre Pato's match-winning performance at Old Trafford, Sky Sports 'expert' Jamie Redknapp tells anyone who'll listen (not many of us) how much he's always admired him. This being the same Pato of whom Redknapp said in November: "I'll be honest, I know nothing about him.” Phil Thompson adds that Diego Milito has done well to have switched from his previous defensive role, not realising there's more than one Milito brother.
1) Marco Materazzi launches on Frank Lampard's foot and explains that it is that time of the year before the World Cup when a key England player must break his metatarsal. David Beckham in 2002, Wayne Rooney in 2006…now it's Frankie's turn. After the game, Materazzi celebrates by wearing a Vanessa Perroncel mask, leading to the whole Chelsea team racing over to swap shirts.
10) Man Utd beat Milan at San Siro with Nani and Wayne Rooney running wild. After the game, United say that's what they usually do when facing a team funded by the Emirates. Silvio Berlusconi cancels the new sponsorship deal before the return leg and switches to LG, since Fulham did much better.
9) After Milan lose the first leg, vice president Adriano Galliani complains that if the ‘29-year-old’ Amantino Mancini hadn’t been cup-tied then the Rossoneri would have won.
8) Five-hundred Chelsea Headhunters cause havoc around Milan after spotting a podgy bald man they believe to be Tom Henning Ovrebo. The hooligans chase the man through Piazza Duomo until a local priest points out that it’s not Ovrebo but Galliani. ‘Uncle Fester’ electrocutes the gang.
Uncle Fester | Hooligan electrocutioner
7) Marcello Lippi attends Inter-Chelsea in order to check up on some Italian players for the national team. However, he is disappointed upon arrival when he learns that Sam Dalla Bona no longer plays for the Blues. “Oh well, hopefully Fabio Borini gets a few minutes at the end,” sighs Lippi.
6) Inter players' girlfriends and wives fly off to Antarctica in order to escape from John Terry. “We had to get away,” said the WAG spokeswoman. “He’s repulsive.”
5) Chelsea win, leading Inter coach Jose Mourinho to proclaim that it was his Chelsea side that won, not Carlo Ancelotti's. He also refuses to shake Carletto’s hand, and doesn’t speak to the Italian press for the remainder of the season.
4) Sulley Muntari doesn’t make the trip to London after losing his passport. It is later revealed that an Inter official hid the document deliberately in order to boost the Nerazzurri’s chances of winning.
Muntari | Lost his passport
3) For the 17th year in succession, English commentator David Pleat gets his political-geography all wrong. “Petr Cech and Marek Jankulovski are a real asset to Czechoslovakia,” says Pleat. “Portugal should be proud of Ronaldinho and Julio Cesar, as should the Holy Roman Empire of Michael Ballack.”
2) After Alexandre Pato's match-winning performance at Old Trafford, Sky Sports 'expert' Jamie Redknapp tells anyone who'll listen (not many of us) how much he's always admired him. This being the same Pato of whom Redknapp said in November: "I'll be honest, I know nothing about him.” Phil Thompson adds that Diego Milito has done well to have switched from his previous defensive role, not realising there's more than one Milito brother.
1) Marco Materazzi launches on Frank Lampard's foot and explains that it is that time of the year before the World Cup when a key England player must break his metatarsal. David Beckham in 2002, Wayne Rooney in 2006…now it's Frankie's turn. After the game, Materazzi celebrates by wearing a Vanessa Perroncel mask, leading to the whole Chelsea team racing over to swap shirts.
Matrix | 'Perroncel' smiles after getting 11 shirts
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